Hello Thursday!
Which means were almost to Friday! Today's blogged was inspired by a friend yesterday and I thought it was really interesting. She's also a step mom and has her ups and downs. I have a group of women I talk to pretty much weekly that are fellow step moms and it gives us a platform to really just get it out on the table. We can be honest about our feelings and not feel bad because we all feel the same way! So today's blog are my top ways to help your wife as a step mom because it's WAY different than being a biological mom!
1. Giving her time for unconditional love.
This one is definitely something we've talked about in the past. When you carry a child for nine months and give birth to it, unconditional love just happens. For most women at least. When I met Mike, Brianna was eight years old. She had eight years of life to grow and be a little kid and develop her personality. Now Brianna LOVED me right off the bat THANK GOD. Kids have a way of telling if someone is shady or not and she seemed to blend right into me. Regardless she's now almost 12 and entering teen years. It was hard and were still bonding and figuring each other out because I didn't give birth to her. Support your wife in this venture to learn unconditional love for children who aren't biologically hers. Sometimes women fall right into that (I did) and sometimes it takes a while to bond and form that relationship. Give her time, don't judge and really encourage a relationship between her and your children.
2. She needs you to understand her disappointments.
Were going to be brutally honest with this one men. Women don't grow up dreaming of being a step mom. They dream of a fairy tale wedding and a man she can have babies with. Not someone who they fell in love with and came with a premade family. She's settling for less than she hoped for and you need to take that into consideration. No woman wants to share finances with other households or other women. Nobody woman dreamed of having to work her schedule around another womans schedule. I was lucky enough to have two women in my life who have made it work. As her husband you need to understand her disappointment that she won't have that regular life she was hoping for but she IS making it work because she chose YOU. That's a lot of love for someone to give up their dreams for. Let that bake your noodle and appreciate what you've got.
3. She needs you to cheer her on in life.
Being a step mom is NOT easy. She's choosing to care for children who didn't come from her and deal with the drama that comes with that. The evil step mom is such a rare thing but it's very prominent in her life. She works hard for her blended family on top of working, taking care of you, cooking, cleaning the house. Really let that sink in and always tell her how great she is and how much you appreciate everything you do. She's trying to make life great for everyone but she really needs that encouragement from you.
4. Her and the kids need to work it out themselves
When there's an issue with her and the kids, it needs to be worked out among them. While your support is always encouraged if there's a problem then it needs to be dealt with between them. If there's ever an issue with Brianna and she tells her mom, her mom ALWAYS tells her she needs to work it out with US. If she felt like we weren't paying her enough attention, or she felt she had to compete with Ashley then we ALWAYS want to hear what's on her heart. Husbands, you have to realize sometimes having them work on it constructively brings their relationship closer and really bonds your family. So encourage any problems to be dealt with between THEM.
5. She needs your backup.
As in a regular family unit, when a parent says no or makes a rule, that's what it is. If a child asks her for something and she says no, then you HAVE to back her up. I use Brianna a lot in these because she's 11 and we get this the most from her. If she asks her mom for something and she says no, we usually get a text message immediately following this asking US for the same thing. Most of the time I know when this is happening but if I don't I always text Becky. I have to back her up as a mom just like she backs me up as a mom. If were not consistent in our parenting then the child can and will get out of control. We keep in touch constantly. We are always texting or face timing because that's how we keep it consistent. As husbands you can't just feel bad about telling a child no, you have to back her up. That's her house also and she has her own set of rules, don't undermine her.
6. She needs you to respect her view of the situation.
You have a whole life behind you with your ex and children. Whether it's a hostile situation or not, she will view it in a different way. You've shaped a past with your ex. You have a whole set of emotions regarding however your situation together ended. I've been in situations where I can see through the manipulation and the nonsense that he couldn't. He had been in such a toxic relationship with her that it was hard to see through the clouds. Whereas I hadn't been manipulated so I could see the nonsense. Sometimes it takes a clear mind to try and fix a situation. Don't get defensive or upset when your wife sees a different side to a situation. A lot of times when there's hostility between exes it takes a third person to find a happy medium.
7. She needs you all to herself once in a while.
The divorce rate for second marriages is even higher than first marriages. Most of the time that's because second marriages bring kids and exes. When you get into a relationship you want to spend your weekends going on adventures and learning about each other. You have that time to yourself to go on vacation and really be a couple. When kids are involved you lose that, and although she chose that you have to realize she needs more of you for a while also. I don't have any of my own children yet so I had to learn to share my husbands attention with the kids. That's way harder than you think when they aren't your children. When you have children you know it's going to be that way and you get used to it. Make sure you schedule time with just you and her whether it's during the kids nap time or during the week. Shut down your electronics and just be with her. She didn't bring children into the marriage so she's going to need you to really shovel out that attention. You may be exhausted after work but your marriage will improve vastly if you give her that little extra energy.
This is from my own personal experience as a step mom that I kind of got thrown into. I thank God everyday he was able to groom me for this position with my background on children. The group of women that are also step moms are also a blessing. It's hard to be a step mom to children who don't belong to you and really delve into that role. I have three step kids with three different biological moms. Two of them are angels and I really appreciate the relationships we've been able to form. It really takes a village to raise a child, so men go home and hug your wives a little bit tighter. Take pictures of her with those kids, show that appreciation for the picnics she plans. That's the mom to your future children and the step mom to your children now. The great thing about step parents is they chose to love when they didn't have to.
Kristen
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