When you can't accept the transition

Hey guys!

So this is kind of a random post but the other day I had a headache and took Excedrin late and then I couldn't sleep so obviously that made me just sit up at night thinking about life. ha. #typical. Anyway so I was thinking about this text message Ashley's mom sent me the other day that started like "Hey girl!" and it was following a phone call she had made earlier that day about Ashley's antibiotics or something. It really made me appreciate that relationship that I have with her. It wasn't always like that but it's definitely working towards it and I really have to appreciate that. The struggle is real. Ashley was four months old when I started dating Michael so I can imagine the tough transition Tammy went through. Eventually she came to realize that I was a fantastic step mom and loved Ashley as much as she did and that's ultimately what matters. Even through this entire Leigha situation she went to court with mike and established custody (which is joint custody) and it went into court and they signed a parenting plan for holidays, emergency contacts and every weekend mike will have her. NOW THAT'S CO PARENTING! I'm so proud of the relationships I've formed with  Brianna and Ashley's mom and I think it says a lot. We actually went to dinner the other night with the girls and Becky and Corey to the melting pot which was INCREDIBLE. It was so nice to sit down and have a couples night with the kids and relax. I love having those relationships where nobody's mad or hostile. The girls would totally think that's super weird if we ever got into an argument or were mad at each other. Me and Becky have been having numerous conversations regarding briannas school and it's been made very clear that Becky wants ALL OF  BRIANNAS PARENTS to be involved in any decisions being made regarding her education. That's how it should be, people tend to think that because a marriage or relationship didn't work out that there then has to be hostility. There doesn't! That's amazing that people want to be mad all the time. The biggest problem I have is when women cannot accept the fact that the man has moved on. I met mike in April of 2014, we were engaged in February of 2015 (which triggered a huge melt down from someone) and we were married in October of 2015. That's a pretty significant thing to marry someone, I feel like that's a billboard shout out that he's moved on. Clinging to something that isn't there shows mental instability and a refusal to move on. At some point there has to be a move on, you have to accept that there is no longer a relationship there and just have a working relationship with that parent. Using spite and a child to get back at someone for moving on after a traumatizing relationship really doesn't hurt anyone except for the child. Manipulation, mental abuse, emotional abuse is not a way to get someone back. Especially when a child is involved. I have fantastic working relationships with these two women and I couldn't be more appreciative of that. We communicate, we engage, we love these kids. As a matter of fact they're more likely to text me than mike because I'm the mom at my house and it's way easier to talk to a woman! Which is totally fine with Mike, he fully enjoys the fact that it's a proven fact that I have two other relationships so clearly the problem isn't ME. I just want all of you step moms and dads to know that we can all be adults, it's not difficult. Just remember when someone loves your child as much as you do, that's the step parent you want in your childs life. Because it's all about loving the child and making sure they succeed in life. When a relationship ends, move on. Don't use the child out of spite. Form a relationship with the new wife, girlfriend whatever. It's so much easier to be a family than not. Keep that in mind for this weekend coming up and when you all do your exchanges just make that extra effort to be insanely nice and really try to bond with that other parent. Have a great day guys!

Kristen 

ODD and IEP

Good afternoon fellow parents!

This is a pretty interesting post and a little informational and I hope it helps some parents out there dealing with children who have been diagnosed specifically with ODD, oppositional defiance disorder. A friend of mine has always been really helpful regarding Leigha and her behavior and actually pin pointed her diagnoses about a year before she was formally diagnosed by a neurologist. Leigha is currently in Kindergarten and I mean not to toot my own horn but I raised a pretty smart kid haha. She's brilliant. You can tell her focus is elsewhere because she used to be really anal about coloring in the lines, now she's so far ahead of the other kids she's legit just bored constantly. So at the last parent teacher conference we brought up the idea of maybe pushing her up a grade because she's all over the place because she's bored. It was kind of shot down and we genuinely felt like we were being shoved aside and so was our child. So upon suggestion from my friend we took into consideration writing the school a letter requesting a meeting regarding a child study team and an IEP. We haven't made any moves on this yet because we always seem to be backed against the wall when we bring up concerns for her. This same meeting we were lied right to our faces about her behavior so you can see why were a little anxious about everything. In leighas best interest she should be having a child study team put together an IEP and if she can test out of this grade and be challenged a little bit. To be clear IEP stands for individualized education program that really focuses on Leigha and her needs which ultimately is what's best for her. Children diagnosed with ODD can also become violent and anyone who knows Leigha knows the history of her self harm. If this type of behavior comes out in school this could cause a suspension, if an IEP is performed and put together by a team then it prevents suspensions from happening because she's covered by this IEP. again, what's best for Leigha. There was a lot of things we tried to monitor at OUR home as well. We kept a very strict schedule which is CRITICAL for children with ODD. We were very structured with her and she heavily relied on that. If we threw a wrench into her schedule it set her off, she wasn't always aware of why things set her off, she just couldn't help it. It may have looked like I was being crazy but again, the best interest of Leigha even if that required more effort from me. It was more about routines than rules. We played in the morning before school, ate breakfast, went to school, went home, ate dinner, bath time and bed time. When she got home from school she did her workbook pages and played in her room or with her leap frog learner. She really relied on that sort of schedule. When she didn't have that she went INSANE. So basically the point is, if you're a parent and you have a child diagnosed with this disorder you have the right to have a meeting with your childs school about a child study team and IEP. Unfortunately Leigha's school has been less than accommodating to myself and her father regardless of our genuine concern for her and her education. But at the end of the day you have to fight for your child and really do what's best for them. Eventually there will be a day when our energy is realized and hopefully this child is taken care of in all aspects of life. Brianna also has ADD but her mother is phenomenal is always on top of every possible thing to make her life easier. There's never really any reason to get involved with briannas school, her mother sends screen shots of her grades, invites us to parent teacher conferences, lets us know every move she makes. But I guess that's what happens when you're a good mom ;) I hope some of this helps with anyone dealing with early education and an IEP and hopefully you can get the help you guys need! Any questions feel free to email mail or +1 my post and we can chat, I have loads of resources! Have a great Thursday!


Kristen

Why I'm okay being called the "Nazi Mom"

Hey guys!

So this is kind of funny, kind of not funny. But! The past few years a few people thought it would be funny to call me the "mean mom" or the "nazi mom" which at first kind of bothered me. Upon further examination of my "momming" though I realized I was actually the "Good Mom". I'm the mom that didn't want to raise little assholes and send them into the world with a false sense of entitlement. I make these kids work for everything they have. Brianna gets crappy grades? Enjoy focusing more on school than on your computer. You wanna lie to mom and act like we aren't all on the same page? Cool, you get zero electronics. Also she's eleven and we love her to absolute pieces but the tween stage can kiss my ass because it makes me want to jump off a bridge. So here's a few reasons why it no longer bothers me when the crazies call me the "nazi mom"


1. I'm not your friend.

Also I will not be your friend until you're well into your twenties and have become a grown adult on your own. That's kind of how that works. This is really easy to do when they're young and you set boundaries. But once they get into their teen years and they're defiant and you really just want that close connection with them, this is when "being friends" seems way easier and a better idea. It's not. You're not raising someone to be your friend, you're raising someone to go into the world and do something extraordinary. When they're five and you're giving into every demand they have because "you don't want to make them mad" makes me want to scream at you. MAKE THEM MAD! They need to not have this sense of entitlement. Make them work for things. Because when they get older that's exactly what they're going to have to do. prepare them for the world.

2. I'm not here to be the "cool mom"
I'm here to raise children that are respectful and have manners and are good natured. Ashley EVERY SINGLE SATURDAY when leaving my moms house for family dinner says "thanks for dinner!". When it's warmer we go for walks after dinner and she thanks my mom for walking also! She says please and thank you, she says "excuse me" when people are talking. She waits her turn to be heard.  Brianna is taught the same thing and she's eleven. When Leigha was with us full time she may have had her behavioral problems but she wasn't this nasty little child. She was polite, and used her manners. And in all honesty they don't think twice about it because that' show they're being raised. That's normal, until you're no longer made to do these things then you just look like a little jerk, which probably mimics your parents. I'm definitely not going to look like a jerk.

3. Kids will suck the nice right out of you, and that's okay.
I've read SO MANY BOOKS on using the "nice" approach to children. It's great that you want to be nice and you want to give them everything they want. But that's not reality. And kids will suck the nice right out of you and leave you feeling super exhausted. I'm not saying be a complete asshole to your kids but when you're at a store and your child wants something you can ALWAYS say no. That happens a lot with our kids lol Our kids definitely don't get everything they want. And then Leigha says something nerve wracking like "we can just borrow it" which is a whole other story that showed us someone was stealing from stores in front of her, that was awesome. Kids need to realize parents aren't always nice because we have to be the PARENTS. that's our job. Suck it up  buttercup because when you're an adult you still don't get everything you want!

4. I refuse to raise little manipulators.
Leigha said one time a few months ago to my husband "You don't want to make me mad do you?". I can promise you I almost lost my shit when I heard about this BS. I don't think I've ever had a child say anything remotely close to this. I'm raising young ladies and if they think for one second they can pull the wool over my eyes they can think again. Nothing gets more serious than the look of satan in your eyes when your kids say something crazy like this. No child, my goal is to not make you mad but I can promise you threatening me is not going to make your life easier. But again this kind of manipulation she was exhibiting is a product of the environment she's being raised in. She can control every possible thing mainly because the adults in her life don't care enough or don't have enough time to bother with her. And that's the real shame. I don't think Ashley or Brianna would have half the guts to say anything close to that to any of their parents. Mainly because we raised children who know their place. They k now they're children and that's the end of it. Were the parents, we make the rules. Get on board.


People want to call me the "Nazi Mom" and that's perfectly okay. Because we took Ashley to Ashley's Furniture the other day for a good two or so hours and she was the epitome of perfection. She followed us, she didn't scream or cry, she carried her ninja turtles water bottle, she sat on beds and called them comfy. She didn't run around the store like a banchy and not once did she get cranky and we were encroaching on her nap time. THAT is what i'm raising. I'm raising children that know their place and what we as adults and society expect from them. From the time Ashley was an infant we could take her to the church service and she was the quiet baby. Then when we took her to the nursery she was perfect she didn't cry, or scream or throw a fit. She legit just wanted to hang out with her friends and learn about Jesus. If we tell her no she accepts that and moves on. I can't tell you the last time she sat in time out because she knows she doesn't want to be a part of that. That was her upbringing, we chose to introduce her to educational activities and books. When we had Leigha we read her two books every single night and learned our prayers. Children are our future, lets not raise jerks and entitled people who think they don't have to work for anything. Because normal adults DO have to work for things and pay bills. They don't lie and cheat and steal like some grown ups do. That's not the child I want to raise. Now I'm going to work a full day at work and earn my paycheck!

Enjoy this beautiful day guys!

Kristen

Why this joke wasn't funny

Hey guys!

Switching up this post this morning and changing the subject a bit. It's come across my attention this morning that I'm sure you're all aware about that my husband "won't give me a child" or that I can't physically have a child. First off, that's a rumor. Second off this post is about why that rumor is not okay and why it's so disrespectful and upsetting to many other women who have reached out to me the past few hours about this rumor and comment. As I may be in perfect health and have been to my doctor and have been cleared to get pregnant and everything is in perfect working condition, some women don't have that option. To find out your spouse either doesn't want to have children, or that you can't physically provide children has to be such a heartbreaking thing to go through. I can't imagine getting news like that and having to live with it. What kills me about this rumor and comment that was made about me was I'm not in that situation. To come at someone and make this terrible accusation makes me distraught, especially for the women who are actually in a situation to not be able to bear children. The insane part about this entire situation is someone involved in this whole scenario lied and said she couldn't have children and then trapped a man into a baby! Who lies about something so incredibly saddening? There's women out there who would do anything to have a child of their own and there's people out here tricking men into babies or making up rumors about women not being able to have children. I've received numerous amounts of messages this morning making sure I'm okay and that everything is fine. I ensure all of my readers I'm happy and healthy and have been cleared by my OBGYN to have children whenever I'm ready. My heart goes out to the women who have been affected by this nasty comment who can't have children and I apologize for the heartbreak you must be going through. For anyone looking to "spite" someone or be mean, please think of other women in a situation. People everywhere see comments and posts and public displays of insanity and feelings do get hurt. My heart goes out to you ladies and I give you so much credit for dealing with not being able to have children. I commend the men and women in these situations that adopt children and create families that way also. As for me and my family, I have three BEAUTIFUL step daughters (and a sister wife!), two cats (and a fish the girls keep asking for!), a beautiful home, and I get to travel with my husband. My life is so full right now and I'm happy where I'm at. To the nasty people in the world who would rather bully someone and make harsh, untrue comments shame on you. You're hurting people other than me with your nastiness and that's something you're going to have to live with. 

What susie says of sallie says more about susie than sallie.

Happy St Patricks day lovies!!

Kristen

the struggle is real

Well this is an early morning post! 

I wanted to kind of touch base with my followers especially after my Facebook conversation with most of you this morning. I want you to all be aware that as of right now I'm SAFE. We moved a few months ago and we're in a much safer environment. Because of all the harassment and police reports we had to file we felt it was safer for our family. I'm sure you've all seen a blip of what I've been going through for a year and a half and have formed your own opinions rightfully so. I wanted to let everyone know that Ashley and Brianna are thriving and happy and great children. We have working relationships with both of their moms and even a two step dads! We are in constant communication and both parents have told me I am those girls mom as well. The girls are well taken care of and extremely happy in their situation and that's what being a parent is all about. Making the children happy. Nobody's really asked me why I'm not pregnant yet but I can assure you it's not because I physically can't have children. I'm only 28 and kept my legs closed this long for a reason. Me and Michael want it to be the right time. We want our family back together, we're still house hunting, I was just promoted at work therefore I have some more time being spent there. We also want to travel while we can, we have the Bahamas coming up in May and we'd like to do a Disney trip with the kids next year. I'm fully capable of having children, me and Michael WANT another child, were just making the adult decision to not have a child until we're fully ready. But that's the difference between someone on drugs trying to trap a man into a baby, and a full grown woman and her husband making the decision WHEN to have a baby. We're still very active in our relationship with God and we know when it's right then we'll get pregnant. As far as my blog being stalked you're all very right about that. My posts are public and I've always welcomed comments and messages from other step parents going through what I'm going through. I'm sure this post will be stalked and posted about publicly on Facebook. All I can say is everyone that has messaged me about this post is very right and this family is not mentally stable. Moving on from here I'll be making a post at a later time regarding the mental anguish children in foster care have to go through. It's a good read I promise!

Have a great day guys!

Kristen

Nutrition and children with ODD

HEEEEEY!

I haven't been on this for soooo long life has just been INSANE! I've recently been talking to a few support groups that have to deal with children with ODD (oppositional defiance disorder) and ADHD. My middle step daughter was diagnosed with both of these disorders. The awesome thing is there's so many ways to handle this without medication. I'm not saying you shouldn't try medication and it can absolutely help but a lot of the medication used to treat these disorders are the same as meth. Because Leigha was born addicted to opiates I know as a parent I wouldn't want her exposed to narcotics again especially now that she's at a higher risk for addiction. So anyway, these support groups are fantastic. These women have children that range from the ages of 15 months to 15 years. It's pretty incredible to have a group of parents who have dealt with it all and are able to give us advice on what has helped in the past. So here's a few suggestions on what could possibly  help your child with ODD and or ADHD.

1. A weighted blanket
These are FANTASTIC! Children with ODD and ADHD usually also have the fantastic ANXIETY disorder. Great right? An occupational therapist suggested one for Leigha considering her disorders. These weighted blankets are drug free and focus on input on the deep pressure receptors on your body. These are usually used on the lap or when laying down they cover the top of your body. These blankets give children the sense of security and "Grounding" they're looking for. These are also great for at night, Leigha had trouble sleeping before and it was really tough on her. These weighted blankets when used at night release more seratonin and melatonin into your system making sleep easier and longer. 

2. Cutting out artificial colors, sweeteners and preservatives
We did this with Leigha when she was about three years old. We knew she definitely had symptoms of ADD and upon further investigation (since she couldn't be diagnosed until she was in school) we found this little gem. SO we took her off chocolate milk, juice, everything. There was no candy, no red dye, nothing. She went straight to ice water which she ended up absolutely loving. Her body knew it was better for her so that's what she ended up craving! We cut out all the sugar and crap and it kept her calmer and more focused on what she was doing  because she didn't have the sugar high making her crazy! Unfortunately in her other household this was not put into affect therefore when she would come home she was absolutely crazy and we had to detox her every other week. But it did prove our point that stuff like that crap was hurting her and getting her away from that stuff did improve a lot of her issues.

3. Going Gluten Free
So my brother has celiac disease so he gets physical signs of issues when he ingests gluten. My sister in law also has this but her issues come out physically, like on her skin. I also have a mild allergen to gluten which also comes out on my skin. It's kind of amazing how gluten effects your system in different ways. Children with ODD and ADHD can benefit greatly from going onto a gluten free diet. We started Leigha on this when she was about three and a half, maybe four. Her lunch was yogurt, peanut butter and jelly on gluten free bread with no crust and a fruit. She LOVED it. It took her a bit to get used to the gluten free bread and we had to try a few different products to get the right mac and cheese (we ended up with annies organic gluten free). Gluten produces a substance called “gluteomorphin” which becomes like an opiate to the brain, causing brain fog, as well as addiction. This is why so many children with behavioral problems crave starchy breads and carbohydrates: the opiate-like effect they get from eating these foods makes them crave more. Leigha was already susceptible because of her birth to things like this, therefore it was an obvious choice to take her off of gluten. Again unfortunately this was not encouraged at her other house and again every two weeks we had to detox her from gluten but I can tell you her pediatrician and her school noticed a difference when she was not on gluten.

4. Show unconditional love and support
This one is kind of obvious but I would usually sit down with Leigha at dinner time and we would talk about her day, her behaviors, what happened. I would ask her why she felt compelled to do certain things, a lot of it had to do with the other household she would visit every other week, she was very confused. But a lot of it was her disorders, she didn't' WANT to misbehave, she just didn't understand why she was misbehaving. This was years before she was formally diagnosed but I knew my kid and I knew she was confused. Every night we would eat dinner, get a bath, read a book, say our prayers and go to bed. She THRIVED on this routine every single day. She had to do it, if something threw the routine off SHE was thrown off. SO i really had to be on a routine with her it was good for all of us. 


At the end of the day your child is your child, and as with all of my girls I want nothing more than to see them succeed in life. I've sat down with Becky numerous times whether on facetime or in person and discussed different aspects of OUR parenting. Because myself, Michael, Becky and Corey are all her parents. Just like Ashley's mom and myself and Michael are all of Ashley's parents. We want to see these children succeed in life and be happy, functioning adults. That's what any parent would want. We also want these children in the best possible place to be able to make this happen. Regardless of your feelings, or your lack of feelings, these are our future. These are our children. We need to raise them in environments they won't have to recover from. You need to put your feelings aside and analyze yourself as a parent and ask yourself "Am I doing everything possible for my child to succeed". If that means you need to remove yourself as a parent then so be it, I can promise you'll get more acceptance and respect from the other parents in the picture if that's the choice you make. Because you brought this child into this world, your job is to make their dreams come true. But down the spiteful tendencies and the hate. Make room in your heart for God and let him tell you what the right thing to do is. Because deep down you know what the right thing is, let him into your heart. 

As always prayers for all you parents out there! Have a great week!

Kristen