Good morning again guys!
I've done a little research recently about the struggles of co-parenting and how it can emotionally affect children even in the most ideal of circumstances. Co-parenting requires both parents to ultimately parent alone while also including the other parent in major decisions (if that parent is involved fully). SO if you're parenting in a healthy way and the other parent is not, that causes emotional issues for the children. Lets say you purchase something for your child and the other parent returns it to the store for money. Probably not the healthiest parenting decision. Or if you buy your child something and the other parent is very expressive about your wife or husband and doesn't like that the gift came from both of you and proceeds to throw the gift away. That's a fantastic example of unfit parenting. Co-Parenting requires open communication and empathy for it to work, if you can't do that then you have no business trying to parent at all. There are two ways to problem solve when you're co-parenting without damaging the child, one of those is strategic problem solving. This requires both parents to exchange through communication needs of the child while also sharing concerns they may have about a situation. Then you problem solve through it to find a healthy solution to fix the problem at hand. This obviously involves open communication about the child whether it's medically or educationally. Whatever may be happening you have to communicate it. As a matter of fact the other day me and my oldest stepdaughters mother had a nice facetime conversation. We went over what some strengths and weaknesses are and then problem solved how to make this situation better for our child. That's the entire point of our lives, to make our daughters life better. Sometimes she opens up to one mom and not the other, and that's TOTALLY fine. it's ENCOURAGED because that way we can solve the situation so our child is more loved and more confident in herself. All it took was a text asking for a facetime and a thirty minute facetime chat. No yelling, no screaming, no blame. Just a genuine conversation about how to fix how the child was feeling. Isn't that great! There's also social-psychological problem solving which involves a bit more emotion. This looks at your attitude towards the situation and the blind spots in co-parenting. This really looks at why you're having problems co-parenting and negotiating circumstances. An example would be at one point in my step daughters life her mother wanted holidays she wasn't entitled to. I gave her the first holiday and she ruined it. She basically kidnapped her and refused to bring her home,therefore we needed to go pick her up. That should have been followed with a social-psychological conversation about why there was a blind spot there and why she felt entitled to do whatever she wanted with the child. Legal or not, a conversation like this should have been had. So here are some ways you can ensure proper co-parenting happens in a healthy way and the children aren't used as pawns in a narcissists game.
1. Commit to making a healthy co-parenting communication. Whether this is through facetime (which is great!) or email, texting or even face to face communication. Share information regarding the childs medical,educational, athletic or social life. What's going on, what are they struggling with, what are their strengths and weaknesses, do they have any athletic or social events coming up. Anything that could be discussed this needs to be made into a pact. Because without communication there is absolutely no co-parenting. There can be no secrets being kept, you cannot tell your child to "not tell daddy or mommy" because having your child keep secrets from the other parent opens pandoras box to extreme danger. don't do this!
2. Rules regarding the child need to be consistent in both households. There's a lot of times where the rules aren't consistent and the child is confused and emotionally abused because there's rules at one house where you don't have to brush your teeth and you can eat gummy worms for dinner and enjoy your six cavities. Then there's rules where the child really needs to take care of their dental health and brush twice a day. That's a weird example but things like that really need to be together and agreed upon. Homework should be done at both homes. There was a situation where one of my step daughters was going through some behavioral things and I would inform the other parent about it and she refused to acknowledge it. She would encourage the behavior and that's just not healthy for anyone involved.
3. Commit to positive talk around the house. This means stop bad mouthing the other parent and parents spouse. We've really tried to make a point in our house to let our children know we WANT to hear about your time with the other parent. I always ask ashley "how was your week with mommy?" and when she's leaving i say "be a good girl for grammy and mommy and hank!". We've been in situations where the other parent continously bad mouthed me. I actually have a video of Leigha telling me that "mommy called you a bitch and a liar" which happened to be the second time she had said that. The first time was in the car with me and my husband and she said "mommy made me said. she said kristen was a bitch". that was a terrible thing to have to explain to Leigha and make sure she was emotionally okay (we have a video of this child being upset so don't think i'm just making this up).
4. Keep everyone informed. This one should be common sense but you'd be surprised. We actually have a court order with one of the children regarding changes of address and such. We gave written notice when we moved to the other parent and the other address we moved to. Just so the parent is involved and knowing where the child is living every weekend. Parents should know who their children are around (this is also obvious but you'd be surprised) and who they're living with. I run background checks like a champ, I'll find out stuff you didn't even know about your significant other. Your child should never be the primary source of information.
These scenarios should help out any situation you find yourself in regarding co-parenting. Always keep in mind that the child is the first priority and the highest priority. I have such great relationships with two of my step childrens moms because we fostered that relationship. We have open communication, were like an extended family. Because then the children don't feel like they have to lie and hide for their parents. Because that's ridiculous, that shouldn't even be an option. We never have to worry about what the child may say to the other parent because we never say anything that needs to be hidden. Always always always remember these children did NOT choose this situation. So make it the best possible situation you can :)
As always feel free to send me an email with any questions or concerns or just to talk to a fellow step parent! Have a great day guys!
Kristen
