Why being the stepmom is never going to be easy

Now, I say being the stepmom is never going to be easy but that's the rule and there are exceptions. There are situations where things are perfect but most times, they're not. 

I've been in situations where me and bio mom get along for a certain amount of time ... then we don't. And queue world war three! In my recent book "Coparenting as a stepmom" is such a great insight to all of this. Four years ago when I met my husband I literally thought "man this is great, he has kids and I love kids! WELL! With those kids came three different moms with three different personalities and lifestyles.

I have come to realize specifically in my situation and similar situations from women in my groups that bio moms can and will lie about anything and everything. Again this is the rule so it's not necessarily always true. I've been in this lifestyle for a while now and ultimately I do want what's best for my kiddos! I fully believe the noncustodial parent should pay child support but also think it shouldn't break the bank. As a stepmom, I can see all sides of the arena here. 

I've personally been under attack for a good two years now. I mean, people have called my job, my publications, I've gotten emails through my website for my photography business. It literally NEVER ends and if you're going to step into those stepmom shoes you're going to have to get thick skin cupcake. I've been called fat, a pig and all kinds of hurtful names. People have said, "Thank GOD your husband hasn't given YOU a child" as if it's some sort of coveted Christmas present! 

There will never be one time in your stepmom life where your life will be easy. And I'm sorry for that. People will tell you that you "chose" this life and that's very true. But you did not choose to be abused by other people. I've seen women walk away from this life and that's okay too. Most people don't have more than one ex-wife to deal with ... I have an ex-wife and two baby moms. I'm not really one to blast business especially on my blog and I won't start now but I will say you need to assume everything is a lie if you're in a similar situation. I gave so many chances to not lie and to give the benefit of the doubt, just to be taken advantage of. I give all stepmoms out there so much credit for dealing with that crap day in and day out.

I've had stepmoms rave about my blog because I say everything they're afraid to say. When you have a high conflict mom you just never know what's going to break that thin ice. You never want to cause conflict for your kids, you never want to come off hostile in front of them. At the end of the day, you're the evil stepmom! I honestly wear that hat with pride now, I'm cool with that. Becuase when we're in the car and my three-year-old says "Kristen, I just love you sooooo much" that's what makes all of that worth it. When she curls up in her huge bed at night with her nightlights, music and Christmas tree, she knows she's loved.

It's taken me four years to get ballsy enough to write this blog for all of you and I genuinely hope in the new year it continues to help all of you. Stepmoms worldwide have the same issues and that will make life difficult every day. You're this woman who walked into a man's life and that automatically made you the enemy. You're not alone! Bio moms can be assholes, and I apologize for that. I'm sorry you have to be attacked constantly by bitter, hostile women. I'm sorry you have to watch kids being used as ammunition. BUT, those kids DO love you. Don't ever doubt that! I promise you this may not get any better but you will learn how to deal with it. Put that stepmom hat on, bedazzle it and ROCK the crap out of it. You're a mom just as much as that bio mom girlfriend!

Kristen

Holiday Gift List 2017

Now that the holidays are rolling in, I'm rolling out my wishlist for 2017! Getting the kiddos what they want is the hardest thing to do. I've previously posted about how to get the best layaway deals here, so make sure you check that page out!

I have three girls, all super different ages. They are 3, 6 and 12 and none of them ever want the same thing. So I've compiled a list of my top five gifts for each age! Remember, Black Friday is coming up so watch out for those deals! Most people also forget Cyber Monday is the FIRST Monday after Black Friday. So check out these hot deals and let me know what you think!

Age 3 (Toddler years)

1. My number one choice for kids is the Amazon Kindle. Here's my secret, Amazon usually throws this gem on sale Black Friday through Cyber Monday for $35! I bought the Kindle for my youngest when she was two, I threw on the $10 kid-proof case and a screen protector and she's used it ever since! You can make a kid-friendly, password protected user screen on there. It's super kid friendly and has Netflix but also educational games. Ashley was two when she got hers, she'll be four in December and still loves it.

2. LeapFrog. I really enjoy this brand because it grows with the kids. My middle stepdaughter had the leap pen and all the books when she was three and four. She loved it! I got our youngest the toddler version last year and it just keeps advancing when they get older. They also have tablets for kids but I have to say I'd stick with the Kindle. I like that leapfrog encourages them to read and when you set up your parent account it emails you weekly on how you're doing. It's amazing to watch how good they get!

3. Fish tale blankets are seriously the cutest things ever. I got this for my youngest this year. It's a blanket and a fish tale! If anything, this is just a super cute gift for a little girl. 

Age 6 and up

1. Legos! As a mom, I hate legos. I step on them, I trip over them, they make me bleed. BUT Legos are great for this age. They have the fine motor skills and imagination to build with them. They have sets or they can free hand with them. These are great for boys and girls and can keep them busy forever. They are a little pricey though so look out for sales!

2. Hatchimals. These things are still apparently super popular! I have to admit it's pretty cute when you rub their little heart and they break open. I know these were big last year but this year the price is right! 

3. Fingerlings. I genuinely as an adult have no idea what the purpose of these things are but my kids want them. They're just small animals that attach to your fingers, or whatever equipment you buy for them. They are pretty cute but again come at a steep price!

Age 12 (tween)

1. Polaroid Cameras. These little gems are back in style and I'm a little excited about it I can't lie. They're a little expensive but tend to go on sale, the only issue I can see is purchasing the film. It gives kids the opportunity to not have filters and just photograph life. I love these!

2. Headphones. These cat headphones just make my heart happy! I just find them super cute and it matches those cat headband trends. These are a cute, affordable gift for the holidays!

3. Charging Port. I got this Unicorn charging port for my tween for her birthday. Kids are on electronics all day now so these really help to keep their phones from dying. And it's a unicorn so it's adorable.

These are just my top picks! Let me know what yours are!

*this post may contain affiliate links where I do make money if you click on them*

Why I'm okay being an asshole

Recently my husband was hit with "I don't want to talk to Kristen anymore, only you" which had me DYING! I'm an asshole, and I'm okay with that. In my situation I have two baby mama's I deal with regularly and one thank the good God above I do not deal with (asshole, I know). 

Anyway, It always comes back to me being the scapegoat which I totally get because I'm the evil stepmom who's just so horrible. My oldest stepdaughters birthday party was almost canceled and who stepped in to save the day? Me. Who does my stepdaughter think threw this awesome party? Her mom. I never said anything about it because it wasn't worth the pettiness. My youngest stepdaughter can't seem to wear a coat in the winter so who bought the coat? Me. But when she says things like "I want you to be my new mommy" I immediately tell her that her mommy is wonderful and loves her more than anything in the world and she'll never ever have another mommy. Asshole, I know.

So here's why I don't mind being the asshole to these bio moms.

1. Who the eff cares. Seriously, think about that. I have women who go from absolutely loving me and everything I do to hating me because I called one of them out on the pacifier at four years old or the lack of proper sleeping arrangements. COME ON NOW. If that makes me an asshole, I'm okay with that because who the eff cares right? Go buy a bed and maybe I'll be nice again. Four years into this relationship with my husband and I stopped caring about getting along and started caring about the damn kids and who can and cannot take care of them.

2. It is absolutely about the kids. I promise you I can be the queen of petty like I'm a professional shade thrower sometimes. I have grown over the past couple years but I'm still pretty petty sometimes. Ultimately it is about your step kids though. In hindsight, I wish I would have held my tongue more in the past instead of telling someone she's ugly. She was but that was irrelevant at the time. I've come a long way the last four years but I'm an asshole because again I make it about the kids. If it's the difference between my youngest sleeping on the couch with her mom or a temper pedic bed in her own room then I'm going to choose her bed at my home. That's just how the cookie crumbles. So keep making it about the kids, if that makes you an asshole then so be it.

3. I've had time to grow up. I'm not super mature completely yet but I'm getting there. I used to get really upset when people told me I was this horrible stepmom or that my stepdaughters told their moms they hated me. I realize now how many lies there were amongst that and again the problem seems to be I don't allow them to lie to me or my husband. If you're gonna lie girlfriend, I'm gonna call you out on it. So when you make the decision to lie, the asshole is going to call you out. So just prepare yourself to be put on the spot. I had to grow up and realize that if being a concerned step parent for my step kids means I'm an asshole then I'm rocking the shit out of that hat.

4. I'm the scapegoat. Being the asshole new wife also means you're the scapegoat. That's cool. I'm alright with that because there's no other avenue for these women to go. It's my fault. Why? Because he married me! Accept this white hat and wear it proudly girl. I used to get so upset when women would make up lies about me and what I was doing. To this day this still happens! These bio moms will bait the shit out of you, walk away. Lord knows none of us have any damn bail money anyway. Be the scapegoat, be the asshole, be the evil stepmom. It's okay, paint your white hat pink if you'd like. That role in life will never change, so own the asshole name now.

5. Their opinions will never cut my paycheck. Recently, I debated shutting down my brand and walking away from all of it. My husband and I had a really long talk about us being in the spotlight and how some people are going to hate. Ironically the only haters I have are one of my kid's moms. Which is totally fine, again they will never cut my checks. So what if they think you're an asshole? I was called an asshole because I grounded my stepdaughter and forced her to go to school. GOD FORBID.  If I had a penny for every time I rolled my eyes I'd be a millionaire.

6. I run my brand like a champ. It's been said numerous times that my blog or my brand talks about baby mamas. It does, I'm a stepmom. The thing that apparently doesn't sit well with them that it's always the TRUTH. I don't always spread my personal business out on social media but sometimes I think "shit man, I'm a stepmom and there are some other awesome women out there going through this same damn thing". So I talk about it, and women email me all the time thanking me for not making them feel like they're alone. You're welcome because I too would probably catch some charges if I didn't have Jesus on my side.

the moral of the story here is, BE AN ASSHOLE. If they're telling you-you're an asshole it's probably because you're doing something right. You're not allowing them to lie to you or run your household. So go ahead, put the white hat on and prance around in it. Own that name because when you enter this stepmom life you have to get tough skin. So go on mama, keep being an asshole and raising those kids :) 

The Gettysburg Hotel

Hey everyone! As you all know (or maybe not) me and Michael have our two year wedding anniversary coming up! October 18th, 2015 we said I do and now two years later were both still alive! 

So this past weekend The Gettysburg Hotel had me come out for a media review on their hotel! We went to Gettysburg for New Year's Eve 2017 for their new years eve bash. We ate next to the hotel and thought it was beautiful. So we snatched this chance up to go back out to this wonderful town for our anniversary weekend!

The Gettysburg Hotel was originally established in 1797 as a tavern in what is now called Lincolns square. Scott's tavern was built by James Scott and in 1809 was bought by William McClellan, a former sheriff. He then renamed the tavern to Indian Queen. Then in 1846, it was called the McClellan house for its owners, surprise, The McClellan brothers.

In the summer of 1863 the hotel witness one of the most historic battles in American history, the battle of Gettysburg. In the 1890's it underwent a huge renovation and was finally named the Gettysburg Hotel. In 1955 it temporarily became the White House when President Eisenhower recovered from his heart attack. Then in 1983 the hotel caught on fire and was unfortunately left to sit for a time.

The hotel was eventually restored and opened in 1991 as Gettysburg hotel and has been a member of Historic Hotels of American since 2003! Now that you have the crazy history of this hotel let me tell you how it was!

We stayed in the king room with a jacuzzi tub which my husband fully enjoyed. When you come to the hotel there is a parking garage in the back of the hotel, so be prepared to pay for parking! The good thing is it's a covered garage off the main street and everything is within walking distance since the hotel is in the heart of the town. We paid for the day which was a reasonable $10. You have to walk around the block to the hotel from doors which gives you great sized porch! 

Walking in they have a bar and restaurant right on the premises which is very convenient. Breakfast is not included in your stay so be prepared! There are plenty of places to eat in town as well so don't let that deter you! We were on the sixth floor which is the top floor and were given a magnificent view of Lincoln Square. 

The room was very spacious with a dresser, desk (because how else can you work on an anniversary weekend?!). The king bed was very comfortable and the room offered two big sets of windows for you to people watch! The bathroom came equipped with a jacuzzi tub which was super convenient after a long day of walking! 

The hotel was very comfortable and everything has been updated to modern times with a touch of history in the building. It gives you modern conveniences such as thermostat-controlled air and heat but still gives you the rustic feeling of the hotel. Unfortunately, because of the age of the building, you will hear traffic from the square outside but that adds to the history of the hotel! The hotel is within walking distance of everything in town including a beer tasting room and Gettysburg Eddies! If you're coming to Gettysburg and you're looking for a fun historical place to say, I would definitely recommend The Gettysburg Hotel. We had a great anniversary weekend and can't wait to explore more of Gettysburg! Check out their links below to social media!

Kristen

Hotel Gettysburg

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**This was a sponsored post, all of my opinions are my own and my honest thoughts. I would not recommend anything I do not fully back**

How to transition into public school

Anyone who knows me and my family knows that our oldest was homeschooled for most of her school career. She went to school until third grade and her mom homeschooled until sixth grade. She went to public school for a few months in sixth grade and then went back to homeschool. Recently during a transition, she came to live with me and her dad and all of her parents agreed public school would help her. 

I've seen so many articles on the transition from public school to homeschool but NONE on how kids are affected going back to public school! The debate between how to educate your child is a big one and not for this post. I believe both sorts of education are a great source but in our case, we transitioned back to public school. Brianna is twelve now and last year in sixth grade was a terrible year. The school district wasn't that great and myself and her mom decided to pull her out at the end of the year. The school didn't give her much attention during her transition and pretty much set her up to fail. So now this year were having a great experience with our school district and here are some tips on how to transition your child back into public school!

1. It's probably going to suck. Not only is Brianna twelve and a tween and hates everything that breathes, but she also hates learning. Surprise right? The transition from homeschool is tough with this. During homeschool, it was her own schedule, whatever she wanted to do and learning was catered to her. Transitioning into public school with numerous kids in the class and learning as a class rather than a single child is difficult. Realizing there is a schedule and classwork assignments that need to be done is hard when you haven't had that before. Be patient with your child and keep in contact with her teachers.

2. Keep open communication between parents and the school. The one thing I can say is Brianna will tell people she has two moms and two dads. We're always in constant communication with each other and the school CC's all of us on emails. We went to back to school night together last night and I can say that helps the school a lot. In traditional situations just make sure you keep in contact with the teachers. They really are there to help and help the child succeed in public school. Brianna's teachers have been great letting us know her weaknesses and asking for information on how to better help her in the transition. Not only was she transitioning into public school but also a new home she wasn't used to. Just keep that in mind during your journey.

3. Everything is online, so be on top of it. Brianna's entire schedule, grade book, attendance, and homework is online. I can say this would have sucked when I was a kid! But I can track her progress and see how she's doing in each individual class. It sounds like a helicopter parent but transitioning is hard and information is information. That means we sit down every night and do homework, I make sure her class assignments are done. She was grounded the entire second week of school because she was too busy on electronics and not doing her school work. She quickly found out we weren't joking and got her act together. Just continuously check on their grades and make sure if they have any questions during the transition to answer them.  

4. Keep them on a schedule. As much education on children as I have, I've always been a stickler for a schedule with my kiddos. Since Ashley was a baby she's been on an eating and sleeping schedule. To this day she's on a schedule even with her naps. With homeschool, you can pretty much create your own schedule and sleep until whenever, do whatever. Transitioning back into public school means you have to be on the bus at a certain time, be in class at a certain time. Brianna adjusted rather well here and her bedtime is 9pm but usually, we find her asleep by 8pm! Keeping them on a schedule ensures they're getting enough sleep and they know they have boundaries. Brianna is allowed computer time when she gets home until I get home. Then it's dinner, homework, reading, shower, and bed. She doesn't ever fuss with us because she knows she thrives on a schedule. It'll be tough but stick to it!

5. Stick it out, parents! I can't tell you how frustrating it was when Brianna first transitioned. Starting school was super hard for her, especially have assignments due on time. She had to adjust to getting on and off the bus and walking home in the afternoon. Even getting lunch at school was different for her! It's going to be hard going from homeschool to public school but it's worth it. Brianna's actively working on her social schools and we've forced her to be a part of group activities. She's pretty introverted so it was super hard for her to do it but she did it! She's made friends, she's getting better at school. Stick it out, it's going to be hard but it's worth it.

For whatever reason you found yourself transitioning from homeschool to public school, I hope this helps. We had this transition happen suddenly so we were just thrown in the pool without swimmies! I'm a huge advocate for public school but also understand homeschool. There are very few articles to help with this transition so hopefully, this one does!

How to build a relationship with your tween

Can we all just agree that as moms we legit just need to nap regularly? I'm exhausted, man. My oldest just turned twelve and the tween stage is in full effect. She just started seventh grade and between the "she was mean to me on snapchat" and "she sounded rude on the phone" I may just scream. loud. She just started seventh grade and was homeschooled for a lot of her life so the transition into middle school was not an easy one. There were different home dynamics with her mom and that's totally fine because it worked for them. Now that we have her, the tables have turned.

I can genuinely say me and her mom get along very well and co-parent the best. We have arguments and disagreements but communication is fairly normal with us. Weird that her dad doesn't co-parent right? That was a choice of ours because my husband and his ex-wife DON'T communicate well. Do you know how loses in that situation? My stepdaughter. We all agreed we want her to succeed and if communication with her and me is easiest then that's what we'll do! Anyway so my stepdaughter is twelve and full of drama and school is ROUGH. Bonding with a tween while still setting boundaries is like getting an elephant into a cardboard box. It's going to break and you'll probably have to clean up poop. So as I'm navigating these waters here are some tips on how to build a rock solid relationship with your tween while still being a pretty awesome mom.

1. SET BOUNDARIES. Man, this is such an important one and sometimes you have to learn the hard way. I don't enjoy disciplining, I usually end up crying in my room because I feel bad! Even with our threenager and timeouts, her little sad eyes kill me! BUT as a parent, we need to set boundaries to gain the respect that parents need and deserve. My tween started school and immediately was having issues completing classwork and doing her assignments as well as dressing for gym class. She was grounded for a week and needed to show us she was making an effort in class. We had a talk and set our rules and guess what? She's doing all of her classwork AND doing WELL! If you set boundaries and give positive reinforcement it WILL pay off. You'll probably just drink four glasses of wine a night until that happens!

2. Let them fail. Seriously, and this goes for any age. Kids thrive off of self-confidence and knowing they can do things by themselves. My threeanger was at the park the other day and wanted one of us to accompany her. I informed her she was a big girl and could go make friends. After some contemplation, she realized she could and then she made a new friend! My tween, on the other hand, is more introverted and has been bailed out more times than not. Now that she's twelve she's realizing that isn't reality and needs to figure things out by herself. Like when she doesn't do her school work, she will, in fact, repeat seventh grade. Kids need to fall down and learn how to get back up in order to succeed. They will thank you for it, I promise. 

3. Offer grace. Don't confuse this one with letting them fail. If your tween has chores and forgets to do one of them, don't automatically go off the hinges (which I can do sometimes). I'm always so quick to jump into mom mode I do "That's it. You're done!" when in reality it really was a random situation. Sometimes kiddos forget to do things on their chore charts and it really is an honest mistake. Now if they continuously forget things on their chore charts then the grace goes away and consequences happen. Just remember to sometimes give the benefit of the doubt.

4. Be VERY CLEAR when you set your boundaries. Tweens are at that age where they feel like they should have all of the freedom in the world without all of the maturity. If your kid is going to the movies make it very clear when you'll be dropping off and picking up and the location. They need to know what's expected of them when out in public and to be on time. Kids need these rules set for them because, in reality, adults have to live by the same set of rules. If I don't show up for my job on time, I get in trouble. As a parent, you have the right to know where your kid is, who they're with and what they're doing. They should know this and know how important it is, to be honest and by being clear with them, it enforces that.

5. Be there for them when you can. My oldest again is twelve and she's no longer at the cute eight-year-old stage where she wants to do crafts with me. It's hard sometimes to connect with them and feel out what's really going on in their heads. Sometimes on our way home if it's just me and her I just let her be quiet. Or if she wants to vent about something, I let her vent. I don't judge, I just let her get it out. They won't always want you to be there for them but if they come to you remember not to judge or state an opinion unless they ask for it. This is a tough age but if they feel comfortable enough to come to you for anything it helps keep them out of bad situations.


I hope this helps implement some new things for you and your tween! I know I'll be thinking about these daily as my kid adds to her punk rock collection and begs me not to embarrass her further :)

Why we don't have boundaries

Last night I was legit at a point of frustration it wasn't even funny anymore. I feel like I've hit a wall with my family and my stepmom role. As a stepmom for almost four years, I've sort of ... deleted the boundaries. My situation was a little unique as my husband had sole custody of one child so when I met him it was just an automatic thing. Her mother hadn't been involved with her for years, supervised visits that were few and far between. Regardless, I was the mother figure. Everyone says "boundaries are important" which I can attest to .. they are. Certain boundaries are important but the boundaries that are automatically set for step parents aren't fair. Like how they can't discipline kids! We've tossed all the typical boundaries in the trash and we've made our own!

I've found myself full blown into mom mode especially since we recently took on my oldest full-time. This means middle school homework and drama. We recently had to ground her because of her school work..that's fun. Anyway, the point here today is most people will tell you to stick to boundaries and don't allow yourself to parent your step kids. They want these boundaries literally keeping you in your step parent box and not allowing you to breathe. Why?  I literally think that's absolutely insane, to put up this Chinese wall and separate lives? To not allow a stepparent to be a regular parent and have a say in what's going on  I've found I literally cannot do that with my situation, maybe other situations can. Either way here is why WE do not stick to the traditional boundaries for step parents!

1. The kids need to respect you as an adult in the house. I'm not necessarily saying tear down the wall but I am saying there needs to be a level of respect. Allowing a child to always go to the bio parent in the home to make sure rules are in fact rules is insane. When an adult of any sort sets down a rule, that's how it should be. Putting a step parent in a different pool just makes things way more complicated. Parents automatically command respect (or should) from their children. Kids grow up knowing that they're to respect their parents and that's it. With my step kids, I had to step into a parent role with some of them and now all of them to get the respect a parent does. I had to be able to ground my oldest in order for her to take me seriously. Otherwise, the kids will walk all over you and what good are you then? 

2. People will tell you that parenting belongs to the parent. But what defines a parent? And why is a step parent not allowed to lay ground rules? I'm not saying become the dominant parent to your husband's kids but they need to know that what you say goes. It can't be always running back to mom or dad to find out if there really is a rule about not eating crickets off the back porch. Parenting should be done by both of the parents. Now I'm speaking from experience of not having any of my own biological children so the only kids involved are my husbands.

3. Boundaries can support your partnership. Yup, they sure can. But I've seen so many stories of stepmoms who are made to feel as if their opinions don't matter regarding the kids. I've been in situations where I felt like "why are we accommodating this woman?". In my husband's eyes it's to keep the peace, in my eyes I can't comprehend why there would be a problem with me and not her. She's the cray cray one! Boundaries absolutely do help your partnership but you have to keep in mind it's a PARTNERSHIP. There are two people in the marriage and just because she didn't birth those children doesn't mean her opinion shouldn't matter. Take it into consideration, she has a neutral view of things. It may turn out better than you thought.

4. There cannot be any reason for the ex to attack the new wife. Let that one sink in for real, I spent such a good amount of time "keeping the peace" only to realize I'd been manipulated and used. I was always trying to keep things out of court or keep the fighting to a minimum. I didn't want to be attacked, my husband didn't want to fight with psychos. At the same time, I realized it was going to happen whether I spoke up or not. Whether I was telling her it wasn't okay to put band-aids on the kids because they're allergic to adhesive or that I agreed she deserved more time with her child. It ultimately didn't matter and setting up boundaries allows an ex to feel comfortable attacking the wife. Let's not allow that to happen. Allow yourself to speak up when you feel confident enough to do so, lay down the groundwork.

5. Kids are going to thrive when there are two active parents. I was told once I had no business showing up to parent-teacher conferences for my middle stepdaughter. Or for any of my children for that matter, because that's what they are, my children. I didn't birth them but I teach them and watch them grow every day. Currently, with my oldest we participate in back to school night and parent-teacher conferences but even last year when she didn't live with us we were invited to do so by her mother. Becuase we are in fact her parents and we care about her education just as much as the person she was living with. Kids need to know there's a village behind them to help them succeed in life and if they see ALL of their parents together helping them, it can only better the child.

Again, I have no children of my own (yet!) but I do consider my stepdaughters, my kids. I try to educate them, help them and do what I can to give them a great life. I've learned in my situation that setting up boundaries can help but most of the time they don't. I do suggest that if you are agreeable to stepping into the mom role to set up boundaries requiring your husband to not dump all of the crap on you. Ultimately you're not the bio mom and he should be responsible for helping. This goes for your own children! Marriage is fifty-fifty but you definitely need to break down some walls in order for everyone to get along and feel like everyone matters. Maybe this will help your situation!

What I wish I would have known

I feel like I've said this before but I'll say it again. As a little girl growing up I didn't dream of being a step mom. It wasn't something I was shooting for or something I really wanted to be. It literally just happened one day! At the ripe age of 25, I met my husband and his THREE girls and their THREE moms. Scary right? yeah, just a tad. Now that were going on four years together and two years married I'd like to share with you wonderful step mama's what I wish I would have known before venturing into this wonderful life as a step mom :)

1. DO YOUR DAMN RESEARCH. If I could scream this at every woman who is even thinking about getting attached to a man with kids I would. I wish I would have sat down on Pinterest or even google and just read what half the things other step moms were saying. You should be reading things until they're absolutely terrifying to you because just when you think it's terrible, bio mom will do something even more insane and set your world on fire. trust me. Your best bet is to read step mom blogs and find out what the real deal is so you have the opportunity to run if you want.

2. You have to take time out for each other. This is such a big thing I really can't stress enough. Again, three kids and three bio moms. That's literally a storm waiting to happen. It's always something and we have our twelve year old all the time right now so that just adds to the chaos. Thankfully we work extremely well with her mom and are in constant contact so that works great. Regardless you have to make time for your relationship or resentment is going to start to happen. If you're not willing to put out some extra effort don't bother with being a step parent. Unfortunately, you're coming into a crazy life and you just have to work a little harder.

3. Spending one on one time with your step kids is extremely important. My oldest was eight when I met her and that was the hardest relationship to form. It was hard because she'd already had eight entire years with her mom. She knew the ins and outs of life with her mom, every bruise, scrape, and disappointment. I was this new lady coming into her dad's life who didn't have the best track record in the past with women. She didn't know what to do, who to trust or where to go. Eventually when we were super stable and living together things just fell into place. As she got older it was still difficult, now that we have her full time it's easier to get to know her and who she is as a human and a little adult. Just be aware when kids are older it's going to be much more difficult to form that relationship and bond. Don't take it negatively, just be prepared.

4. You need to be ready to be on the worst roller coaster of your life, and you're probably going to throw up. Not everyone is in a situation like mine where there are three women but I can personally tell you life has sucked on and off. Some bio moms are more psychotic than others, everybody's situation is different. Mike's ex-wife is more likely to go through me than my husband lol. We co parent really well and know how open communication works. And our twelve-year-old is thriving off of that because that's what matters. I'm in a working relationship with our youngest that still deals with its issues but you have to realize this is going to happen. Blow out fights are GOING TO HAPPEN. You have to take the hits when they come and try to deal with it.

5. If you decide to take on being a step mom (Bless your heart) you need to find a support group NOW. I waited years before finding a support group and once I did it was the best thing I could have done for myself. These groups allow you to vent as a step mom and not feel guilty. You can commiserate on things that are going on with bio mom and not be judged. Those are your girlfriends, those are the people that are going to be your rock at the end of the day. Find yourself a good group of fellow step moms and stick with them. 

6. Finally, you don't have to participate in every argument that's thrown your way. I can tell you right now I battle with this CONSTANTLY, especially being in the public eye now. I've been antagonized constantly until I had some sort of reaction. At the end of the day, if you're going to be a step mom, you need tough skin. And you better get it quickly cupcake. I've had people call me fat, put pig faces on Facebook detailing me, I've had women suggest I'm getting a divorce and they're moving in with my husband. Crazy is crazy girlfriend and you need to be able to protect yourself. Put your guard up and walk away from anything that doesn't better you. Unfortunately, step moms are still considered evil people so your best bet is to ignore the haters and love those kids. 

I genuinely hope these are helpful to any current step parents or any one considering becoming a step parent. I wish I would have had access to something like this when I first met my husband. It's at least something to warn you it's not for the weak! 

Tweens and technology

I'm not sure about anyone else but the massive amount of technology available to our kids these days is mind blowing. My oldest goes to middle school, seventh grade (now that I feel old) and she has a cell phone. Now when I was twelve cell phones weren't a thing, our internet made that horrible sound and I had to get off the internet when my mom wanted to use the phone ...

So what's the opinion on technology use and when to start it? I was fifteen when I got a phone and that's when you had to hit the letter "P" four times to get the letter you wanted and there was zero internet on it! Do teens really need cell phones? If you ask my kid she would probably die without it. As I'm writing this my tween is texting me about how she got a seat at the front of the bus this afternoon LOL! So here are some pros and cons of technology use in tweens! Let me know what you think and your opinions on when to start your littles on technology!

Pros:

1. Constant contact. So my oldest goes to middle school and it does give me a sense of relief to know that if something were to happen she'd have a line of contact to myself or my husband immediately. She walks home by herself every day after school and it's good to know where she is and what she's doing and just have that contact with her.

2. It's a bargaining tool. Seriously, threaten to take your kid's phone away and see how all of a sudden they know where their chore chart is and how to complete all of them! It's catastrophic when you threaten to take a phone or iPad or whatever it is they have. 

3. Easy tracking. This is pretty cool especially with the phones being so private. There's a tracking device on Brianna's phone that monitors everything she does down to google searches and how much time she's spending on the electronics. This is great because it gives them the freedom of the phone but also monitors to make sure nothing shady is going down. Becuase at the end of the day, people are psycho and do crappy things to kids so being able to monitor is great. I didn't have that when I was a kid but I'm thinking maybe I should have!

4. Technology is the real deal now. This is where our society is come to and I fully believe kids need to be introduced to it young. I had to sign papers at Brianna's school for her to use her Ipad and cell phone and download apps. They use google drive at school. Literally, everything is online so kids really do need to get a grip on it early enough so they don't' fall behind in school. It's just the reality.

5.It teaches responsibility. We're at a point where if we give you an electronic and you break it, tough shit. Guess you better save up your allowance. Kids are now given more responsibility in these electronics to keep them from breaking, dropping in water, getting lost or stolen. It teaches them to take care of things and once they're gone, they're gone. So stepping up and being a responsible kid is definitely being taught daily.

Cons:

1. Scary scary world. Need I say more? Technology these days has brought so much freedom to kids and unfortunately, a lot are not monitored. These apps like snap chat or music.ly or god knows what else allow predators to monitor your children and stalk them. Snap chat even lets you tag your location in it! People can run with all kinds of information and that needs to be a huge point to parents when buying their children these devices.

2. Overweight kids. Can we just be honest and say this is a legit problem? Kids are far more likely nowadays to grab their phone and veg out on the couch after school and do absolutely nothing. This is terrible! we had no other options as kids other than to do our homework and go play outside! This in turn is making our children overweight and teaching them nothing. I don't even care if they're educational games, if it's nice outside then GO OUTSIDE.

3. Increased cheating at school. Honestly, I'm not a kid anymore but I could see this being an issue. It makes sense as to why kids can't have cell phones during class. Minus the distractions, it's easy access to internet and information. You need to learn and not by cheating with a cell phone. Look at your friends test like the old days!

Ultimately this is the generation that just had a butt load of electronics at their finger tips. It's in schools, it's at home, it's everywhere. Cell phones can be very useful for kids and they do have some decent pros. I fully believe with good monitoring kids can have electronics and succeed in life as long as there's rules and boundaries regarding these electronics. What are your thoughts on cell phones and electronics with your kiddos?

Dear Bio Moms

I'm not sure about anyone else but I feel like there's a lot that ends up left unsaid between bio moms and step moms. I feel like there's a weird limbo sometimes where you really want to say something but it's super uncomfortable because well ... drama. Who the heck wants to deal with that?

Well! I've been a step mom going on four years shortly and I've learned SO MANY LESSONS. One of which is to stop keeping my mouth shut, hence my now very public brand! I've given bio moms the benefit of the doubt and I've been spit on and lied to. So here's a dedicated blog to all the bio moms out there as to what's really going on in our minds and what we're really thinking!

1. WE LOVE YOUR CHILDREN. *gasp* I said it. Suck it up. I understand you're bio mom and that kid came out of your cooch but children are encouraged to love people. Why can't more than one person love your kid? We love all the same things about them that YOU do! Their laugh, their jokes, their incessant need to play with purple sand they don't actually like. The way they figure out how to blow bubbles in their cup. They may not have come from us but dammit we love them also. We may not have that immediate motherly bond with them but there's a different kind of bond and it's filled with love. I promise.

2. We aren't trying to replace you. Seriously, read that again girlfriend. I deal with three different baby mamas and can only keep a relationship with ONE because were real with each other. I can count on one hand how many blow out fights we've had screaming at each other but look at us ... adulting. Becuase she KNOWS I'm not trying to replace her as a mother. Seriously that's the legit truth, it's not smoke and mirrors. Plenty of step moms have their own biological children. We're literally married into this and for the sake of the child's mental and emotional health, we try to make this a family. Let that happen. Don't let your craziness and your insecurities affect your kid, because that isn't fair and you know it.

3. We want to get along with you. Legit we want to form a relationship. I've tried to form relationships with baby moms and I have zero relationships with one, sort of a relationship with another and a sister wife relationship with my husband's ex-wife. Mainly because she's the most mature! There's never a time where we WANT to hate you and create drama. There's a whole list of things in my head and hating you is NOT one of them. I've done Mothers Day gifts for my bio moms, I've sent text messages, I've put my feelings second in order to preserve theirs. So take that into consideration when you're genuinely just thinking that we married your ex for drama's sake. Trust me, we'd rather be on a beach in the Bahamas drinking Bay breezes than fighting with you.

4. We love your ex, even if you don't. My husband's ex-wife will tell you she still loves my husband but she isn't IN love with my husband. Comes off weird at first right? But my husband helped create this super awesome tiny human and for that, he is loved. She fell out of love with him when they got divorced and that's okay. I married him because I LOVE him and that's what matters. Everyone is trying their best in these situations so let's try to keep it kosher. Just remember he's my husband and there will always be a form of protection there regardless of who's wrong.

5. Divorce sucks, I know. I would never wish a divorce on anyone or a breakup. Ideally, two people make a baby and they're together forever. But the reality of that is it's just not true all the time. In my step kids situations, they were young enough to where life really just seemed normal to travel between two homes and have two sets of parents. My youngest Ashley will never know any different. It's always been Kristen and daddy and mommy and whoever she's with. That's just life but I would never want a kid to have to go through that. So let's just play the same game and try to ensure this child has a really awesome life okay?

6. Being a step mom is not what I envisioned for myself when I was younger. Can we just be honest here? No step mom ever sat around dreaming of their wedding to a man who's divorced with three kids by three different moms. That literally never even occurred to us. But here I am ... living the life. Step moms have always been shown as evil people (thanks, Disney, jerk). But this is the life I chose with my husband and I'm willing to swallow my pride on most things and try to live my life the way I want. Remember sharing my house and finances wasn't something I chose either. so when you try to get my husband to "not tell me something" just realize that isn't going to work. I'm going to know everything and just like I swallow my pride, you're going to have to swallow yours. Kay?

7. Sometimes you genuinely need to stop being so fucking crazy, there I said it. Sit down and turn the psycho off. I'm not saying every bio mom is this way but two out of three of mine are and that's not a fun ratio. I get your protecting your kids but relax. Get a glass of wine and get to know me and understand me before you go nuts. Don't text my husband in the middle of the night asking stupid questions. Don't tell him to not tell me things. Don't tell him you miss him or want him back. Seriously, it's over. lay off. You are co parenting, please leave it at that. I'm not the jealous type but certain things send up red flags for me, so please just be normal and parent your kid. please. 

What the heck is organic?

Hey there! I was just online looking at some organic fruits and veggies to make my shopping list for the upcoming week and thought this would be some great information for my parents out there! I started going mostly organic a few years ago after some Netflix documentary. It was kind of disturbing how many chemicals and additives are going into our food. I recently lost 100 pounds and I really just wanted to be healthier and watch what was going into my home. This post specifically is going to go over some fun examples and products that I use in my home to protect my kiddos!

1. Method. I use this ALL THE TIME. They have all purpose cleaners. I get the pink one that smells like grapefruit! I can use that while I'm dusting, or wiping down the kitchen tables and counters. They also have an antibacterial cleaner. The one I purchased had a really strong scent sort of like bleach so in the future I'll definitely get a better smelling one. I tend to use that in the kid's bathrooms and our bathroom so there aren't gross germs just floating around places. They also have floor cleaner. I've used this when I've had wood floors and it actually does work pretty well. It leaves a nice shine on your floor without feeling like you're probably going to slide across the floor when you step on it. I've always got their foam pump soap in the bathroom. It's a little more pricey than normal soap but in reality, you can put some perspective on it. Your kids' hands go in their mouths, up their noses and God knows where else. So at least this soap isn't full of chemicals to add to the junk.

2. Babo Botanicals. I'm such a HUGE fan of this product line. I used to use Johnson's baby wash because it was tear free! Then when I did some research into WHY it was tear free it explained to me there were chemicals in the baby wash to numb their eyes so it doesn't sting. Ugh ... What?! I dont know why it never crossed my mind to question that before but then I got a brain and researched it. SO I bought one of those fancy bath caps and got new shampoo! Babo Botanicals has a baby wash that's shampoo and body wash and Ashley's used almost all of them. Right now she has the sports product that smells like cucumbers. She's also used the oatmeal bath one when she was having issues with yeast infections and cradle cap. Worked like a charm, smelled a little weird. Now that her hair is longer we use the berry one that helps detangle everything. The great thing about Babo is they have lotions to match! This one is the lavender lotion I like to use since bath time is usually right before bedtime. It helps calm her down and get her relaxed and ready for bed!

3. Seventh Generation. I've used a few of their products such as their paper towels. They work like normal paper towels and they soak up pretty much anything, like Ashley's thrown up macaroni and cheese a couple weeks ago. That was fun. I've also used their baby wipes which aren't terrible but they're expensive for the amount you get. I used a sample of diapers I had a long time ago and they didn't seem to hold much at all, even if I changed her every two hours. They felt a bit like cardboard also.

4. Mrs. Meyers. I've always been a fan of this line and even before I had the kids I would always lean towards this company. I actually have their room spray, my husband hates it. I love it. It smells like lavender and he farts like a demon and it even covers up his stench! This company also has really decent prices so I don't feel like I'm paying an arm and a leg for an organic product. I also use their hand soap when they have their holiday sales because who doesn't enjoy pumpkin everything right? I've used their detergent in the past and it's not terrible, but you do have to add a bit more to your laundry to get stains out. Lord knows I have enough kids and enough stains I need heavy duty!

Those are definitely my top four companies I would go to for my organic house products. I feel better especially when I'm cleaning my house that I'm not sanitizing things with more chemicals. It's really gross and they smell pretty terrible when you really think about it. Try out some of these products and let me know what you think!

*This post contains affilliate links that I do get compensated for. I will not back any product I don't completely agree with or support though!*