Last night I was legit at a point of frustration it wasn't even funny anymore. I feel like I've hit a wall with my family and my stepmom role. As a stepmom for almost four years, I've sort of ... deleted the boundaries. My situation was a little unique as my husband had sole custody of one child so when I met him it was just an automatic thing. Her mother hadn't been involved with her for years, supervised visits that were few and far between. Regardless, I was the mother figure. Everyone says "boundaries are important" which I can attest to .. they are. Certain boundaries are important but the boundaries that are automatically set for step parents aren't fair. Like how they can't discipline kids! We've tossed all the typical boundaries in the trash and we've made our own!
I've found myself full blown into mom mode especially since we recently took on my oldest full-time. This means middle school homework and drama. We recently had to ground her because of her school work..that's fun. Anyway, the point here today is most people will tell you to stick to boundaries and don't allow yourself to parent your step kids. They want these boundaries literally keeping you in your step parent box and not allowing you to breathe. Why? I literally think that's absolutely insane, to put up this Chinese wall and separate lives? To not allow a stepparent to be a regular parent and have a say in what's going on I've found I literally cannot do that with my situation, maybe other situations can. Either way here is why WE do not stick to the traditional boundaries for step parents!
1. The kids need to respect you as an adult in the house. I'm not necessarily saying tear down the wall but I am saying there needs to be a level of respect. Allowing a child to always go to the bio parent in the home to make sure rules are in fact rules is insane. When an adult of any sort sets down a rule, that's how it should be. Putting a step parent in a different pool just makes things way more complicated. Parents automatically command respect (or should) from their children. Kids grow up knowing that they're to respect their parents and that's it. With my step kids, I had to step into a parent role with some of them and now all of them to get the respect a parent does. I had to be able to ground my oldest in order for her to take me seriously. Otherwise, the kids will walk all over you and what good are you then?
2. People will tell you that parenting belongs to the parent. But what defines a parent? And why is a step parent not allowed to lay ground rules? I'm not saying become the dominant parent to your husband's kids but they need to know that what you say goes. It can't be always running back to mom or dad to find out if there really is a rule about not eating crickets off the back porch. Parenting should be done by both of the parents. Now I'm speaking from experience of not having any of my own biological children so the only kids involved are my husbands.
3. Boundaries can support your partnership. Yup, they sure can. But I've seen so many stories of stepmoms who are made to feel as if their opinions don't matter regarding the kids. I've been in situations where I felt like "why are we accommodating this woman?". In my husband's eyes it's to keep the peace, in my eyes I can't comprehend why there would be a problem with me and not her. She's the cray cray one! Boundaries absolutely do help your partnership but you have to keep in mind it's a PARTNERSHIP. There are two people in the marriage and just because she didn't birth those children doesn't mean her opinion shouldn't matter. Take it into consideration, she has a neutral view of things. It may turn out better than you thought.
4. There cannot be any reason for the ex to attack the new wife. Let that one sink in for real, I spent such a good amount of time "keeping the peace" only to realize I'd been manipulated and used. I was always trying to keep things out of court or keep the fighting to a minimum. I didn't want to be attacked, my husband didn't want to fight with psychos. At the same time, I realized it was going to happen whether I spoke up or not. Whether I was telling her it wasn't okay to put band-aids on the kids because they're allergic to adhesive or that I agreed she deserved more time with her child. It ultimately didn't matter and setting up boundaries allows an ex to feel comfortable attacking the wife. Let's not allow that to happen. Allow yourself to speak up when you feel confident enough to do so, lay down the groundwork.
5. Kids are going to thrive when there are two active parents. I was told once I had no business showing up to parent-teacher conferences for my middle stepdaughter. Or for any of my children for that matter, because that's what they are, my children. I didn't birth them but I teach them and watch them grow every day. Currently, with my oldest we participate in back to school night and parent-teacher conferences but even last year when she didn't live with us we were invited to do so by her mother. Becuase we are in fact her parents and we care about her education just as much as the person she was living with. Kids need to know there's a village behind them to help them succeed in life and if they see ALL of their parents together helping them, it can only better the child.
Again, I have no children of my own (yet!) but I do consider my stepdaughters, my kids. I try to educate them, help them and do what I can to give them a great life. I've learned in my situation that setting up boundaries can help but most of the time they don't. I do suggest that if you are agreeable to stepping into the mom role to set up boundaries requiring your husband to not dump all of the crap on you. Ultimately you're not the bio mom and he should be responsible for helping. This goes for your own children! Marriage is fifty-fifty but you definitely need to break down some walls in order for everyone to get along and feel like everyone matters. Maybe this will help your situation!
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