Can we all just agree that as moms we legit just need to nap regularly? I'm exhausted, man. My oldest just turned twelve and the tween stage is in full effect. She just started seventh grade and between the "she was mean to me on snapchat" and "she sounded rude on the phone" I may just scream. loud. She just started seventh grade and was homeschooled for a lot of her life so the transition into middle school was not an easy one. There were different home dynamics with her mom and that's totally fine because it worked for them. Now that we have her, the tables have turned.
I can genuinely say me and her mom get along very well and co-parent the best. We have arguments and disagreements but communication is fairly normal with us. Weird that her dad doesn't co-parent right? That was a choice of ours because my husband and his ex-wife DON'T communicate well. Do you know how loses in that situation? My stepdaughter. We all agreed we want her to succeed and if communication with her and me is easiest then that's what we'll do! Anyway so my stepdaughter is twelve and full of drama and school is ROUGH. Bonding with a tween while still setting boundaries is like getting an elephant into a cardboard box. It's going to break and you'll probably have to clean up poop. So as I'm navigating these waters here are some tips on how to build a rock solid relationship with your tween while still being a pretty awesome mom.
1. SET BOUNDARIES. Man, this is such an important one and sometimes you have to learn the hard way. I don't enjoy disciplining, I usually end up crying in my room because I feel bad! Even with our threenager and timeouts, her little sad eyes kill me! BUT as a parent, we need to set boundaries to gain the respect that parents need and deserve. My tween started school and immediately was having issues completing classwork and doing her assignments as well as dressing for gym class. She was grounded for a week and needed to show us she was making an effort in class. We had a talk and set our rules and guess what? She's doing all of her classwork AND doing WELL! If you set boundaries and give positive reinforcement it WILL pay off. You'll probably just drink four glasses of wine a night until that happens!
2. Let them fail. Seriously, and this goes for any age. Kids thrive off of self-confidence and knowing they can do things by themselves. My threeanger was at the park the other day and wanted one of us to accompany her. I informed her she was a big girl and could go make friends. After some contemplation, she realized she could and then she made a new friend! My tween, on the other hand, is more introverted and has been bailed out more times than not. Now that she's twelve she's realizing that isn't reality and needs to figure things out by herself. Like when she doesn't do her school work, she will, in fact, repeat seventh grade. Kids need to fall down and learn how to get back up in order to succeed. They will thank you for it, I promise.
3. Offer grace. Don't confuse this one with letting them fail. If your tween has chores and forgets to do one of them, don't automatically go off the hinges (which I can do sometimes). I'm always so quick to jump into mom mode I do "That's it. You're done!" when in reality it really was a random situation. Sometimes kiddos forget to do things on their chore charts and it really is an honest mistake. Now if they continuously forget things on their chore charts then the grace goes away and consequences happen. Just remember to sometimes give the benefit of the doubt.
4. Be VERY CLEAR when you set your boundaries. Tweens are at that age where they feel like they should have all of the freedom in the world without all of the maturity. If your kid is going to the movies make it very clear when you'll be dropping off and picking up and the location. They need to know what's expected of them when out in public and to be on time. Kids need these rules set for them because, in reality, adults have to live by the same set of rules. If I don't show up for my job on time, I get in trouble. As a parent, you have the right to know where your kid is, who they're with and what they're doing. They should know this and know how important it is, to be honest and by being clear with them, it enforces that.
5. Be there for them when you can. My oldest again is twelve and she's no longer at the cute eight-year-old stage where she wants to do crafts with me. It's hard sometimes to connect with them and feel out what's really going on in their heads. Sometimes on our way home if it's just me and her I just let her be quiet. Or if she wants to vent about something, I let her vent. I don't judge, I just let her get it out. They won't always want you to be there for them but if they come to you remember not to judge or state an opinion unless they ask for it. This is a tough age but if they feel comfortable enough to come to you for anything it helps keep them out of bad situations.
I hope this helps implement some new things for you and your tween! I know I'll be thinking about these daily as my kid adds to her punk rock collection and begs me not to embarrass her further :)
3. Offer grace. Don't confuse this one with letting them fail. If your tween has chores and forgets to do one of them, don't automatically go off the hinges (which I can do sometimes). I'm always so quick to jump into mom mode I do "That's it. You're done!" when in reality it really was a random situation. Sometimes kiddos forget to do things on their chore charts and it really is an honest mistake. Now if they continuously forget things on their chore charts then the grace goes away and consequences happen. Just remember to sometimes give the benefit of the doubt.
4. Be VERY CLEAR when you set your boundaries. Tweens are at that age where they feel like they should have all of the freedom in the world without all of the maturity. If your kid is going to the movies make it very clear when you'll be dropping off and picking up and the location. They need to know what's expected of them when out in public and to be on time. Kids need these rules set for them because, in reality, adults have to live by the same set of rules. If I don't show up for my job on time, I get in trouble. As a parent, you have the right to know where your kid is, who they're with and what they're doing. They should know this and know how important it is, to be honest and by being clear with them, it enforces that.
5. Be there for them when you can. My oldest again is twelve and she's no longer at the cute eight-year-old stage where she wants to do crafts with me. It's hard sometimes to connect with them and feel out what's really going on in their heads. Sometimes on our way home if it's just me and her I just let her be quiet. Or if she wants to vent about something, I let her vent. I don't judge, I just let her get it out. They won't always want you to be there for them but if they come to you remember not to judge or state an opinion unless they ask for it. This is a tough age but if they feel comfortable enough to come to you for anything it helps keep them out of bad situations.
I hope this helps implement some new things for you and your tween! I know I'll be thinking about these daily as my kid adds to her punk rock collection and begs me not to embarrass her further :)
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