When you really hate his ex

hey! So this was an interesting question I received the other day in my email. Life has been crazy and so much information has come flooding into our lives I really just needed to decompress and relax before I even checked my emails so I apologize! The question is "What do you do when you really really hate his ex?". So I've compiled a few pieces of advise that you may or may not take. I've had my ups and downs as a stepmom and have been at the point where you are. TRUST ME. My sister in law is also a fellow step mom (yay team step mom!) but she's also a mother. She has been a light sometimes that snaps me back into reality when I'm thinking of rain instead of sunshine. So here we go!


1. Always put the child first.
You and your husband may be the only ones doing this and it may suck depending on how old the child is. They may be too young to really comprehend that you're the ones really loving that child and thinking about it's well being without the spite. And that's going to sting and I'm sorry. Your step child can NEVER know how you really feel about that other parent. And that's something every parent and step parent is going to struggle with, and that's okay. But really make an effort even when that child is 25. Even when that parent is lying about you and saying super hurtful things. Always take the high road because eventually that's going to come back as good karma. Anything that mother says about you, you can quickly turn around when you bond with that child. Oh you're the evil horrible crazy step mom? When you're with her that will honestly prove the complete opposite. Just hang in there mama!

2. Get the ex out of your home and your head.
The worst place this woman could live is in your head. That's taken me three years almost four to figure out. Seriously, get her out of your head. That's where she wants to be. making you think he's cheating on you, or that you really are crazy. Make your home a safe place, don't be around for the phone calls or text messages. Don't go to every pick up or drop off, take that time for you to just be you and be in your home. Don't bitch about her to your husband because it isn't going to do anything but drain you and she wants to know she's a topic of conversation in your home. Don't let it be. Give your time to better things, like awesome sex with your husband ;)

3. Ask for help.
Whether this is joining a support group (like mine!), going to counseling or simply asking your husband to not make any ex a topic of conversation in your house. Obviously you need to have financial conversations but anything other than that, end it. Find positive step mother role models out there that you can convene with and really let your emotions out with. Other step parents will definitely understand and then you feel like you have the support you're looking for without bringing it into your home constantly.

4. Hope for better but accept today's truth.
Man ... this is a hard one. Some step mothers and mothers are able to form a strong bond. Michael was divorced YEARS ago, his ex wife is remarried and obviously so is he. Brianna is going to be 12 in September and once we got to know each other things really panned out. We became closer as parents and both really agreed on the fact that were too damn old for the drama. Our 12 year old gives us enough of that. We even danced at a friends wedding all night long together while our husbands commiserated! Don't try to force a relationship with a high conflict ex, it won't end well and you'll be disappointed. I've tried to form a relationship that way and it blew up in my face. Relationships do evolve and things change, so just keep it in the back of your mind that today it's not going to work, but things may change in the future.

5. Live your life
This will be the one thing you can focus on completely and if she is a crazy ex, this will kill her. After all of our drama the number one piece of advice I got was "pick your family up and keep moving forward". We still had two beautiful little girls that needed us to be there for our family. So that's what we did, we moved on. We raise our girls together and take family pictures and vacations. We do our day trips as if nothing ever happened. Because the reality is right NOW nothing is going to change, and until it does you need to keep your family STRONG. You are the core of that family and you need to be strong for them. Take those pictures, have those vacations and keep moving on. Keep growing with your husband and making babies and doing whatever makes you happy. Don't let the drama bring you down :)

At the end of the day you have to write your own story, and I hope this advice helps you at least a little bit and anyone else struggling as a step parent. It's HARD and it's going to SUCK. Write your story, and make it an awesome one :)


Kristen