step mom to bio mom: love you giiiiiiirl

Hello!

Life is CRAAAAAAZY! Between the holidays, Mikes birthday, my birthday, the kids, I haven't had any time! I wanted to take the time out to give a shout out to a woman who's kind of awesome. Briannas mom Becky and me have formed such an awesome relationship I really  just had to blog about it. And I'm totally calling her out (sorry boo!). Mike was married to Becky for a few years and together they had our wonderful Brianna ;) I met Becky a few years ago when I started dating Michael and obviously was around Brianna more often. Can I just tell you I have to give Becky some props here because there were some questionable times in mikes life and becky really stood up and had to be a parent at some point. Not to put my husband down at all but in reality there were some difficult choices that had to be made. All I can say is when I stepped into the picture Becky had dealt with at least two previous women in Briannas life so for someone else to come into the picture again it had to have been hard. i can't imagine what went through her mind when she found out mike had moved on ... again. Regardless I met becky and her husband corey on the front porch of the house mike was living in which happened to be relatives of becky. Her and corey were extremely welcoming and nice. It's like they gave me the chance to show them I'm not like the others, i'm a good person. They gave me the opportunity to not have to defend myself because of past choices someone else made. I'm not saying we NEVER have differences because as humans obviously we'll have differences BUT the differences with that is we were never immature about anything. I can tell you me and becky talk at LEAST twice a week whether it's facetime or texting or just phone calls. Brianna is our bright star who's currently in public school and becky keeps us updated on EVERYTHING. We never have to fight for information regarding her grades, parent teacher conferences, medical information. NOTHING. literally. it's so REFRESHING. Becky text me the other day with a screen shot of briannas grades without me even asking! It was so awesome (by the way our child is a genius getting all A's :).) Whenever there's a conversation to be had brianna is always referred to as "our child" meaning mike,becky me and corey. Because at the end of the day all four of us completely care about this child and what becomes of her. Whether she goes to clown school, goes to an ivy league college, or becomes a wife and mother. Were all here to support her. This whole crazy Bio mom hates step mom thing is so unbelievably over rated and kind of makes me want to throw up in my mouth. Who WANTS that DRAMA?! We hate having to fight for information that's being covered up regarding Leigha. that's insane. If you're not doing anything wrong, why are you hiding it? Becky and corey are completely and utterly amazing people. Regardless of the past, Christ has taught us to forgive as he has forgiven us. We move forward, we don't fight, we don't argue, we don't get ridiculous. If there's a problem, we talk it out. Because that's whats best for brianna. Ultimately that's what's best for all of our children. I'm sure Becky and Corey will visit whenever me and Mike have a child because were all a family. There's no need for immaturity, hiding, secrets, nonsense. That's stress and we all know I don't need anymore of that. I just wanted this to be a post about moms coming together, because Becky has already voiced to me that she appreciates me being the mom in my household and taking care of brianna like she's my own. that's how it should be. Cut out the drama ladies and gents. Get along with the parents and step parents. If you want this child to have a shot at life, get along. Even if it means sitting down as a group in a room and hashing out any issues you have. It may be uncomfortable at first but if things need to be said, then say them! There's a child involved that didn't ask for any of this. The least you could do is get along for the kids and want what's best for them. Out of court, without the hostile screaming and cussing at exchanges, JUST BE NICE. So now that I've gone on long enough about my husbands ex wife and the relationship we have, go out there and get along with these women and men! Those kids love you, so love eachother :)



Kristen

The Do's and Don'ts of co-parenting

Good morning again guys!

I've done a little research recently about the struggles of co-parenting and how it can emotionally affect children even in the most ideal of circumstances. Co-parenting requires both parents to ultimately parent alone while also including the other parent in major decisions (if that parent is involved fully). SO if you're parenting in a healthy way and the other parent is not, that causes emotional issues for the children. Lets say you purchase something for your child and the other parent returns it to the store for money. Probably not the healthiest parenting decision. Or if you buy your child something and the other parent is very expressive about your wife or husband and doesn't like that the gift came from both of you and proceeds to throw the gift away. That's a fantastic example of unfit parenting. Co-Parenting requires open communication and empathy for it to work, if you can't do that then you have no business trying to parent at all. There are two ways to problem solve when you're co-parenting without damaging the child, one of those is strategic problem solving. This requires both parents to exchange through communication needs of the child while also sharing concerns they may have about a situation. Then you problem solve through it to find a healthy solution to fix the problem at hand. This obviously involves open communication about the child whether it's medically or educationally. Whatever may be happening you have to communicate it. As a matter of fact the other day me and my oldest stepdaughters mother had a nice facetime conversation. We went over what some strengths and weaknesses are and then problem solved how to make this situation better for our child. That's the entire point of our lives, to make our daughters life better. Sometimes she opens up to one mom and not the other, and that's TOTALLY fine. it's ENCOURAGED because that way we can solve the situation so our child is more loved and more confident in herself. All it took was a text asking for a facetime and a thirty minute facetime chat. No yelling, no screaming, no blame. Just a genuine conversation about how to fix how the child was feeling. Isn't that great! There's also social-psychological problem solving which involves a bit more emotion. This looks at your attitude towards the situation and the blind spots in co-parenting. This really looks at why you're having problems co-parenting and negotiating circumstances. An example would be at one point in my step daughters life her mother wanted holidays she wasn't entitled to. I gave her the first holiday and she ruined it. She basically kidnapped her and refused to bring her home,therefore we needed to go pick her up. That should have been followed with a social-psychological conversation about why there was a blind spot there and why she felt entitled to do whatever she wanted with the child. Legal or not, a conversation like this should have been had. So here are some ways you can ensure proper co-parenting happens in a healthy way and the children aren't used as pawns in a narcissists game. 

1. Commit to making a healthy co-parenting communication. Whether this is through facetime (which is great!) or email, texting or even face to face communication. Share information regarding the childs medical,educational, athletic or social life. What's going on, what are they struggling with, what are their strengths and weaknesses, do they have any athletic or social events coming up. Anything that could be discussed this needs to be made into a pact. Because without communication there is absolutely no co-parenting. There can be no secrets being kept, you cannot tell your child to "not tell daddy or mommy" because having your child keep secrets from the other parent opens pandoras box to extreme danger. don't do this!

2. Rules regarding the child need to be consistent in both households. There's a lot of times where the rules aren't consistent and the child is confused and emotionally abused because there's rules at one house where you don't have to brush your teeth and you can eat gummy worms for dinner and enjoy your six cavities. Then there's rules where the child really needs to take care of their dental health and brush twice a day. That's a weird example but things like that really need to be together and agreed upon. Homework should be done at both homes. There was a situation where one of my step daughters was going through some behavioral things and I would inform the other parent about it and she refused to acknowledge it. She would encourage the behavior and that's just not healthy for anyone involved. 

3. Commit to positive talk around the house. This means stop bad mouthing the other parent and parents spouse. We've really tried to make a point in our house to let our children know we WANT to hear about your time with the other parent. I always ask ashley "how was your week with mommy?" and when she's leaving i say "be a good girl for grammy and mommy and hank!". We've been in situations where the other parent continously bad mouthed me. I actually have a video of Leigha telling me that "mommy called you a bitch and a liar" which happened to be the second time she had said that. The first time was in the car with me and my husband and she said "mommy made me said. she said kristen was a bitch". that was a terrible thing to have to explain to Leigha and make sure she was emotionally okay (we have a video of this child being upset so don't think i'm just making this up). 

4. Keep everyone informed. This one should be common sense but you'd be surprised. We actually have a court order with one of the children regarding changes of address and such. We gave written notice when we moved to the other parent and the other address we moved to. Just so the parent is involved and knowing where the child is living every weekend. Parents should know who their children are around (this is also obvious but you'd be surprised) and who they're living with. I run background checks like a champ, I'll find out stuff you didn't even know about your significant other. Your child should never be the primary source of information. 

These scenarios should help out any situation you find yourself in regarding co-parenting. Always keep in mind that the child is the first priority and the highest priority. I have such great relationships with two of my step childrens moms because we fostered that relationship. We have open communication, were like an extended family. Because then the children don't feel like they have to lie and hide for their parents. Because that's ridiculous, that shouldn't even be an option. We never have to worry about what the child may say to the other parent because we never say anything that needs to be hidden. Always always always remember these children did NOT choose this situation. So make it the best possible situation you can :)

As always feel free to send me an email with any questions or concerns or just to talk to a fellow step parent! Have a great day guys!

Kristen

The very real effects of heroin abuse during pregnancy

Good morning!

I saw something on social media this morning that kind of hit home for me. For anyone just jumping on board my step daughter Leigha was born addicted to opiates. For anyone reading this that thinks "that isn't true" or "that's hearsay" I have her medical records that were requested legally by her father with proof of this abuse and neglect. She spent 21 days in the NICU at Virtua weening her off of the drugs. This post is just a little insight of what this BABY went through because she was abused while in the womb. People have this very old way of thinking if a child comes out with ten fingers and ten toes that they dodged a bullet. WRONG. Leigha came out perfect physically. Mentally not so much, and nowadays they have the correct equipment and therapy to prove this connection of heroin abuse during pregnancy and the long term effects of it. Kids that have been exposed to heroin in the womb have been proven to not handle stress as well, especially in unstable environments (go figure). 68 percent of children that were exposed to opiates during pregnancy have clear signs that they cannot handle stress in stressful situations, unfortunately drug abuse during pregnancy and an unstable situation usually coincide with eachother. These children also have a higher risk of developing depression, anxiety and ADHD (which Leigha has been diagnosed with) There are studies now that show kids born addicted to these opiates can show behavioral problems well into childhood. Leigha was also diagnosed by her neurologist with ODD (oppositional defiance disorder) which symptoms include self harm (I've given you all the opportunity to read these articles with the websites at the bottom of the page). They have showed that if a child is removed from that stressful situation and was placed into a stable environment that child can thrive in their life. But leaving them in a mentally abusive situation where the child is used as ammunition will continue the damage to this child. It's not surprising that 65 percent of children born addicted to opiates are either held back a grade during elementary school or have to receive special education. In every research article I've read it clearly states that a child left in an environment of addiction with the mother who was and or is addicted compromises the child. Heroin abuse during pregnancy can also cause sleep issues for the child later on in life, that doesn't seem very concerning but when you have a toddler who refuses to go to sleep or can't go to sleep this condition has been linked to the abuse during pregnancy. I want all of my readers to be aware of the very real effects of illegal drug use during pregnancy. Leigha will suffer her entire life with possible addiction problems, behavioral disorders, just to name a few. babies are born addicted to illegal drugs every single day and it's heartbreaking to know that they didn't choose that life. Unfortunately in the state of NJ it is still legal to give birth to a baby born addicted to heroin, there's no criminal charges. Even though you actively tried to kill your fetus, but hey no problem. That's not to say the wonderful kidnappers at DCPP won't get involved but we can all say that division isn't the best people to save a child. The bottom line is these are very real issues for babies born addicted to drugs. It's something that continues to hit home for me all the time. Again, I've cited my sources to this information I've stated in this post if anyone would like to do additional research. There's also signs and symptoms of ODD use for people who don't want to cope with the fact that ODD symptoms do in fact include self harm. Save these children, they don't have voices. They need YOUR voice. fight for them.

Kristen

ODD diagnosis and symptoms:

https://www.gstatic.com/healthricherkp/pdf/oppositional_defiant_disorder.pdf

http://www.livescience.com/28042-meth-moms-babies-stress.html

http://www.crchealth.com/addiction/heroin-addiction-treatment/pregnant-heroin/

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1272838/

Step monster: real or make believe?

Good afternoon lovies!

Can we talk about the ridiculousness of step parenting?! Let me preface with this past holiday with Ashley and Brianna were kind of awesome. Their moms were totally accommodating with us to do presents with the girls and have them to celebrate the holidays with. It's an amazing thing when a family can work together for the good of the child. Unfortunately Leigha was a little bit different and it was decided last minute to not allow her to receive her gifts. That unfortunately hurt Leigha more than anything to not get her gifts from her father. But that's just another hurdle we have to jump right? Unfortunately Narcissists and selfish people don't actually take into consideration the children. But the good news is we had Ashley and Brianna and such a fantastic time with them! I can personally say the struggle of a step parent is trying to form that bond with the children as well as forming that bond with the biological moms. That sounds absolutely crazy since i'm supposed to be the step monster right? I'm this horrible person who came into this mans life and married him and took on three kids that I did not give birth to. We never had that "honeymoon" period. Especially since he had Leigha full time. I was terrified of brianna because at the time she was eight and had a complete idea of what was going on. God blessed me with her not being a complete asshole to me and was actually super wonderful at welcoming me into her life. It also helped that her mom and step dad Corey got to know me and realized I wasn't this crazy crackhead that wanted to tear up lives. But they did the right thing and invited me in, i'm not saying we've never had disagreements but when we do it's a conversation. Not an argument threatening child support and court. That's ridiculous. I can honestly say now almost three years later that nobody dreams of being a step mom. You're not a little girl dreaming of growing up and marrying a man who's already been married and had kids and doing it all over again. I can say I've struggled with the fact that I won't have those kinds of firsts with him. But what I can say is it will be a first for US. In a few years we'll have a baby and it will be a completely different experience for him. He won't have to worry about me coming home and stealing diapers and formula and returning them to the store for money for illegal things. He won't have to worry about me not waking up during the night to feed the crying baby. He won't have to worry about me wandering out at all hours of the night to again do illegal activities. I'm a great wife and an even better step mom and hopefully soon to be mom. I'm not this evil wicked step mom from the storybooks, as a matter of fact most step moms are pretty awesome. It's finally come to light that ex wives, ex girlfriends, ex baby mamas, they can all get along with this woman in your childs life. It doesn't have to be this crazy, control freak situation. Who says your child can't love more than one person? Becky and Tammy both know full well they are their childs mother but when they come to my house that's the role I play at my house and it's encouraged. We want the children to feel as if they have this huge family. At the end of the day it's not about you or me, it's about them. And you can bet damn well I have their best interests at heart. I'm glad I could foster a relationship with these women and know the children are growing up in the best possible environments. Don't use your children as a weapon or one day you'll find yourself without ammunition. Do the right thing, be a grown up, take care of your child, be a family. If you're struggling with with a woman that refuses to accept you because she has this jaded idea in her head that he's going to come back to her (like I do), brush it off. He's YOUR husband, he chose YOU. You have that marriage certificate, those diamond rings, that house, he bought YOU that car, that michael kors purse, that new ipad. You're the one he sleeps next to every single night. Trust me, that's hard to wrap your head around but it's true. So go ahead and be that awesome step mom, don't let people bring you down to be that wicked step mother that puts children in ivy towers. Keep doing what you do best, raise those babies. Form that relationship. Keep that bond. Blend your family. Love. Have faith and pray to God everyday that he keeps blessing your family. 

Have an awesome new years guys! See you in 2017!!

Kristen

Do you know how frustrating this is?!

Good morning step parents!


Can I just tell you how frustrating it is to try and break through glass ceilings? It has come to my attention that I have a new audience of people who don't particularly enjoy me but they keep clicking on my page ;) So enjoy! Life currently as a step mom involves me wrapping four million presents for all the kids, family, husband, cat and what not. It also has me continuously working out to avoid stress in my life, preparing to take the kids to places, planning Ashley's birthday, and attending holiday parties. We actually DO go to holiday parties, we don't just say were going to cover up the bigger picture. Were going to my mother in laws for Christmas eve which is pretty exciting. Both of our families are going to be there for games and fun and just an awesome family gathering. We also recently got Leigha this awesome coat that's a three in one coat. It has the hood and the fleece inside and then the weather resistant coat on the outside and cute little hat and gloves to go with it. Someone has to keep her warm in the winter! Let me tell you, we have the heat on full blast in our house and it's COLD outside. I've been making really "homey" comfort meals lately. We did Chili in the crock pot the other day and it was delicious. Last night we did asparagus and pork chops in the air fryer. This air fryer was such an amazing purchase you all have to look into it. We fry everything in there and with my weight loss I'm very on top of what I eat all the time. This uses NO oil whatsoever. The pork chops were juicy on the inside and super crisp on the outside. I'm pretty strict with the kids and their sugar intake, Leigha was always gluten free and sugar free and it reigned in her ADHD pretty well. I was told I was making her into a robot by watching her diet haha which is rather funny because now they have a place called "Brain Balance" which basis their entire sessions off of clean eating and educational therapy. That's what I did for YEARS with Leigha and it would work for the most part until outside situations affected her. So this place can charge $11,000 a year for their sessions and I did it for free, but I was making her into a robot. Welp, someone was doing something right then! All I can say is Ashley fully enjoys her organic meals and organic yogurt with ice water. She doesn't ask for juice or milk, she doesn't want sugary snacks or candy. Not to mention she's fully aware we don't have any of that stuff in the house. But she does know we have fruits, veggies, water and yogurt which she will always ask for. Little kids are completely amazing to raise and they go with what they're taught. I'm not saying Ashley isn't a threenager at some points but what I am saying is we taught the girls respect. Leigha always asked to be excused from the table, she always ate her dinner (we had no eating problems which from what i'm aware seems to be an issue now), she was perfectly fine with ice water and no candy or sugar. The great thing about that is she never had cavities! Until she was introduced to candy constantly from an outside source and she did get one cavity that I had filled immediately. Now unfortunately she has numerous ones. I really try to prevent the girls from having struggles that I had growing up. There are so many medical break throughs and education now on food intake and children and how to prevent childhood obesity. There's so many more options for ADHD than adderall which is a significant drug that really shouldn't be taken by children. What I can say about being a step mom in the life that I'm in right now is that I will fight for these girls like they're my own. I don't care who I have to go through or what lawsuits need to be filed but I can tell you yesterday lit a fire underneath me and I'm going to bring an end to all the corruption and abuse happening. The girls may have no come from me but I can say I have a great relationship with two of their mothers and tried to make a relationship with the other. It should always be about the children and their well being and their mental status. Brianna fully enjoys that we can get together as a family with her mom and step dad and really communicate and enjoy time together. Ashley is also the same way, we don't have to worry about useless nonsense and fighting. Medical necessities are communicated constantly, what's happening with the children including school is always communicated with Ashley and Briannas moms. That's how co-parenting works, you communicate openly. About vacations, medical, educational. Everything, just because you're not with the other parent doesn't mean communication shuts down and you shut the other parent out. It means you have open lines, especially when there's other step parents involved. Step parents don't have to be hated, hell ... ex wives don't have to be hated! Nor do ex girlfriends, but when there is a special mental disability happening that prevents the other parent from accomplishing what is in fact in the best interest of the child that bears the brick wall nobody ever wants to run into. So at the end of this wonderful day I'm communication that everything in fact needs to be in the best interest of the child.

Have a wonderful week guys!

Kristen

Feeling defeated is legit

Oh good afternoon my fellow step parents! It's come to my attention that my blog is reaching a lot of people! Including some people who aren't very satisfied with what I'm writing about. Well, go pound sand because I genuinely don't care! This blog is about fellow step parents and what were all going through as a group. My history with my step children are on here and while I don't enjoy bashing other parents it's an opportunity for other step parents to validate their feelings. While my situation is very unique in having three separate moms to have to deal with, I'm still a step mom. Other step parents have so many issues and are always so scared to talk about them. While were in and out of court I try to curb most information for court purposes but once this is all taken care of and done I can reveal more information. As for right now were scheduled for court tomorrow on December 1st for what's called a compliance review. Basically to make sure everyone is completing services they're supposed to complete and hopefully reunite my family and make that complete again. We did have parent teacher conferences with Leighas teacher which was really eye opening to a few situations. The great news is she's brilliant as we originally planned :) She's on a first grade reading level and excelling in every academic way. Looks like me turning her into a robot worked ;) You know the whole "don't rot your brain with TV and junk food" and getting Leigha her leap reader when she was younger, reading to her every night, doing site words with her. I guess "turning her into a robot" turned her into a brilliant little kid. Who woulda thought! Children who love to learn really need to be worked on, Leigha absolutely loved educational things. She looked forward to cleaning her room, she loved her books every night, she would come home from school and put her giant headphones on and get her leap reader out. Because that's what she LOVED. Especially with her ADHD that we pretty much controlled with her diet and educational activities. With Leigha having the ADHD she really needed to hone in on things she loved to do. I bought her a workbook and everynight she would work on coloring the upper case and lower case letters and staying in the lines. She would stay focused for HOURS. If she wasn't doing that she was eating dinner or in her room playing with her dress ups and kitchen set, or reading with her leap reader. Things like that use kids imaginations, they open their worlds to all kinds of things. Watching a child learn and encouraging them and giving them positive reinforcement really gives them so much self esteem. Leigha never came out to tell us she "hated herself" or her life. She really enjoyed everything we gave her and did for her. I potty trained her when she was not even three and right away she was fantastic, even over night. So at the end of the day I've had to climb every wall and fight every hostile person to be able to stand my ground as a step mom and help raise these wonderful children. All I can do is stick by my faith and pray that God knows exactly what's going to happen and he won't let myself or my husband sink. These children are amazing and can do incredible things in the future. Everything is in His hands, so let it happen :) 

have a great night guys!

Kristen

The thing about freedom of speech

Man! this has been a while! I missed you guys! I have gotten emails recently asking about my step daughters and how everyones been since I've been gnarly busy trying to just live life. So here I am! The thing about my blog is I've tried to make it a daily update on life and problems with parenting, co parenting, whatevs. The great thing about my blog is as a journalist I'm covered under freedom of speech. Now don't get me wrong, using full names or identifying people using their names or anything like that isn't really up my ally. But if you know me and my life and the people surrounding my life you'll get the gist of it you know? My life is a huge rollercoaster right now and having a blog brings me and other step parents together into a group much like a family. At the end of the day co parenting is tough, especially when the other parent refuses to co parent. Spitefulness and manipulation doesn't hurt anyone but your child at the end of the day. Any real parent knows they want to rid the chaos from their childs life, not continue or add to it. That's crazy! So I will continue my blog and continue about my life with my wonderful step daughters and keep the updates coming! Nothing too detrimental has happened recently, just the norm. Ashley is fully potty trained (at least at our home)! yay for big girl underwear! I remember when I potty trained Leigha, she was probably a little younger than ashley is now. I took the pull ups, threw them out, and put her in big girl undewear. she was so incredibly smart we barely had to do it. She had two accidents and she was good to go! Even overnight wasn't an issue, at least not until a few years later ... moving on. So now that Ashley is fully potty trained it's a bridge we've crossed and now we can start talking about bringing our own little one into the world! Not yet guys don't get too excited! But now that life seems to be settling down and things are moving in a good direction I can think about carrying my own child and raising my own child with my husband. I can't wait to incorporate my step daughters and my biological child or children. I love having one big family, it's such an awesome idea. Brianna and Ashley love hanging out together, you can really tell there's a sister bond there. Were still praying God keeps blessing us and moving those mountains for us to bring Leigha back home and get her back to a normal environment. Prayers guys! thanks! Leigha hasn't been doing fantastic the past few weeks but anyone who knows me on a daily basis knows the details of this and we just keep praying that something happens and someones eyes are opened and they bring her back to a safe, loving environment with therapy that's going to actually work. Meanwhile were coming up on the holidays! I'm so excited for thanksgiving and the familiy and the love the holidays bring. I did pretty awesome this year and started shopping for everyone in June. The girls have been done for a few weeks now and so has michael, I also got my in laws finished so it's just my family. My niece has a birthday party today to celebrate her third birthday! so excited to bring ashley to her party later and celebrate. Well have Ashley the day after christmas to celebrate that with her and our other family members. We did recently move in the past few months so we'll be celebrating in our new home! I recently got a raise at work and that's really exciting. I've been at the same hospital for over two years now and I'm so happy i've made that my home. Even though someone thought they had some sort of ... pull to get my fired haha. We see how that worked out! two years and counting! good try bud. I'm so excited to start this new year and really see what it has to bring to us. So thanks for checking on me guys, there's a quick update on what's happening in our lives. I'll be sure to post a little more often now and I hope you all have a great thanksgiving!!

Kristen