Living without the system to support you

I'm sure if any of you know me well enough you've realized that I've grown up in a family that did not receive support from the government state or national. My mother paid to give birth to us, my father supplied health insurance and we did not receive food stamps or medicaid. My parents had to pay for preschool for us and did not get help with clothes, food, school supplies or other. I also don't ever remember suffering when I was a child. We always had a roof over our head and electricity on. Christmas and birthdays have always been huge events in our family and my mother provided above and beyond for me and my brother. Michael grew up equally as happy without the use of government assistance. Let me preface this with I do not judge people who NEED assistance for the short amount of time it's supposed to be used for. People go through tough times and for a small amount of time Michael used BCCAP which helped pay for Leighas daycare. In that situation we were not married and we both worked full time and needed help paying for daycare. Once we got married that was quickly withdrawn and we were on our own paying full price for daycare. I know a mother on my Facebook who has her own health insurance that she pays for and her son is on medicaid. That's making an effort to be employed full time and supplying your own health insurance because you're able to. Let me just break down a little bit of the reality for you who aren't aware of what it's actually like to "make too much money" for government assistance.

1. I pay for my families health insurance
We have Amerihealth Administrators through my job at Deborah. It's called the PPO 80 plan which means Amerihealth pays 80 percent of my bill, that is if they don't deny the claim. Luckily the past two surgeries I've had were at Deborah and I didn't get a bill.Otherwise they only pay 80 percent. Which means every time someone on my plan needs to go to the ER for any reason it's $150 copay. when you need to go to the pediatrician you get billed $20 for the copay. If you need a procedure you'll get billed for the twenty percent the insurance didn't pay. Need a specialist? fine but it's $25 right off the bat before services are rendered. This is all on top of paying out of my paycheck every single two weeks. When me and Michael got married my health insurance plan changed and even though we pay more we don't have to answer to anyone or prove employment. I pay my insurance and I'm covered with medical, dental and vision. Every time someone on my plan has a visit in any of those categories I get an "explanation of benefits" explaining what was done during that visit and how much it cost. If something was denied I'M responsible for calling and trying to fight the insurance if it's a test that's really needed. I have all of the power in that situation and if there's children on my plan in the state of NJ I have to claim them every year on my taxes as dependents. Lots of information huh?

2. I don't qualify for any government assistance.
This includes health insurance, food stamps and daycare assistance. As previously discussed I pay for my health insurance. We also don't qualify for food stamps or anything of that sort therefore all of the food and cleaning supplies and anything for my house that's considered a necessity is bought with our actual money. All of my breakfasts, lunches, dinners and snacks. All the yogurt the kids eat up and mac and cheese bowls. This is on top of the cleaning supplies that are purchased for my home and the laundry pods and fabric softener I wash our clothes and sheets in. I also don't get any assistance for clothing nor do we or have we ever received child support for any reason. I supply clothes to the girls moms when they ask for it and I supply clothes for them here. If someone needs school supplies or books for homeschool or a co op I write checks or wire money to also help pay for that. We don't get any assistance for anything whatsoever. This on top of two car payments.

3. I have a 401K and a high yield savings account.
When I was younger, probably about 18 my dad had a conversation with me about a retirement savings plan. All I knew was I was a teacher at a pre school and I had just started contributing to my 401K. Every paycheck a certain percentage (I think maybe 2 percent) came out and went into a retirement fund. This ensured that when I was of retirement age I would have money to pay for my monthly bills every month because god knows where social security would be at that point. Ten years later now I'm a marketing rep at the number one hospital in new jersey and contribute a whopping 6 percent into my 401K every paycheck and I bump it up every year. Michael also contributes to his retirement fund. Because being a grown up also means not feeding off the system when you're 80 years old. I'd like medicare when I'm older, not some crappy plan that's going to cost me money I don't have any cover nothing. My high yield savings account gets money put in it every month and gets a percent every month as interest. This ensures if one of our cars breaks down, there's an emergency or anything happens, were covered.

4. I pay for life insurance plans for myself, my husband and all of my kids.
Globe Life insurance is a great company and I have a life insurance plan on myself, mike and all of the kids. We pay a certain amount a month for all of us. Michael has the most since he's the bread winner, I'm second in line and each of the kids has a $20,000 life insurance plan to cover funeral costs if god forbid anything happened to them. Morbid? Maybe. I call it being prepared because in the midst of having the mourn the loss of your child you need to be able to bury them as well. At the age of 18 it automatically goes into an adult life insurance plan for whole life insurance and does not increase in cost and at an age where I feel like they're ready they can take over the plan. All of the girls beneficiaries are Michael, I'm just the plan holder.

Living without the assistance of the government has it's pro's and con's. Having to pay for health insurance is inconvenient and obviously more expensive than having state insurance. With the recent crack downs on Medicaid abuse though I'm aware of people who have lost their state health insurance for a multitude of reasons. Mostly because they weren't employed and medicaid requires proof of employment to stay on medicaid. The medicaid cuts come from national outcry of people tired of paying for people on the welfare system and just abusing it. Again this is not a judgement for people who actively need the assistance, we've been there. Daycare is expensive! But if you can do what you can to provide for your family and not mooch of the state that gains so much more respect from people. Go out and do what you have to do to provide for your family. Don't rely on other people to take care of you, go out and be independent. Show everyone who doubted you that they were wrong and you can take care of yourself and your own. I hope the reality of this helps people realize that were not living this awesome lifestyle, were just trying to live as independent citizens.


Kristen

What's up Threenager

Can we have a quick conversation about how my three year old now has the attitude equivalent to my twelve-year-old? She also has the argumentative skills as an experienced attorney. So the other day were in the kitchen and she's arguing with me about the use of her kinetic sand. WELL. The problem is SHE DOESN'T LIKE THE FEEL OF SAND!

 So I'm telling her every time she uses the sand she immediately wants her hands washed. So this conversation continues while I'm in my pajamas that say "prefer to be caffeinated" while trying to balance the coffee mug in my hand. At this point, I have a sore throat from God knows what and this child has now changed the tone of her voice in hopes I wouldn't recognize it and think she's an entirely different human ... or species. So this kinetic sand is AWESOME, it's magnetic! You can find it HERE So it's really less of a mess and comes out of carpet ... and hair ... and the dog. But just like any other sand, she does NOT want it on her hands. Which is a tough one BECAUSE SHE HAS TWO. 

So I eventually give in because the cat is meowing to go outside, the dog follows me around like I have treats up my butt and this little girl is starting to get really good at arguing. She assures me that she does, in fact, enjoy the feel of sand and will NOT ask me to immediately wash her hands. SO I get her frozen table and chair set out of her room, bash my head on the top of the closet while I'm getting this STUPID sand out of the closet (I still have coffee in my hand by the way .. ). I get this sand down and all of the toys that go with it and get her all set up at the table. In the meantime, my twelve-year-old has her monthly friend and has put headphones into her ears to drown out the nonsense happening. So in hopes that finally I can get the massive amount of dishes out of the sink and possibly take the dog out so she doesn't poop on my floor, I sigh a little sigh of relief. 

To be honest I can't even tell you where my husband was at the time but I'm pretty sure he had fled the house in hopes of a safe haven. Being the Momtag that I am I grab my camera and snap a few pics of my threenager playing so nicely with her kinetic sand. I then start to clean my house and get my chores done for the day. WELL! Within ten minutes my three-year-old is now following me around the house with purple sand hands asking me to immediately wash her hands PLEASE. I'm sorry, is this the twilight zone? Is this happening? Was I just duped by a three-year-old assuring me she would not do this to me? So my cup of coffee that has only had about three sips taken out of it gets lost in the mix and put on a table somewhere. I continue this conversation with her asking her why she wanted to wash her hands. She responded with "I don't wike it". 

I'm sorry, you don't like what? The feeling of the sand you insisted on playing with!? I'm now arguing with this threenager who is actually getting pretty convincing with her arguments insisting that it's the PURPLE sand that's, in fact, an issue. She also tells me that she would like play dough instead. I take her and wash her hands and she happily goes to bug her sister who probably wants to punch us all in the face by now. This has now been an hour of my life discussing this friggin sand. I proceed to clean up the sand, realize I have a knot on my head from retrieving the sand in the first place and try to move on with my day. 

This is just a typical Saturday morning in my house. There should be a warning label attached to your marriage certificate ...

Life isn't all dandy

I'm not really sure how Sunday got here so fast but DANG. Especially with no upcoming days off from work until September I feel like August is going to just drag on forever. This weekend has been a whirl wind of nonsense I swear and I'm EXHAUSTED. Friday was spent with Brianna and Michael and Saturday I started to get a sore throat. I'm sure it has to do with the random weather changes and the two animals in my house that shed an entirely different animal every single day. So right now my house looks like my three year old with no pants on coloring in the living room and watching TV and me with a hot cup of organic hot green tea trying to focus on finishing this book. And yet here I am ... on my blog LOL! So Saturday I wandered out of my house to take the dog for a walk because she refused to poop for two days and I'd rather her not do it in the house when the needs comes. Needless to say she didn't poop BUT when I made it back into my house my oldest child and my husband were going at it. Of course these two are EXACTLY ALIKE so their arguments make me want to stab my ear drums out with pencils. Regardless this argument started over cookies and snacking. The argument ended and I was left in this war path of my husband being upset about the day just sucking altogether and my daughters feelings were hurt because we as humans have a problem filtering what we say before we say it (guilty). So I send Michael to bed and have a heart to heart with B. She's almost 12 and has her fathers temper and stuborness. so this makes  this talk even more important. Luckily enough she's blessed to have moms at two houses and as uncomfortable as this may be it had to happen. I informed her that her weight is nobody's business but her own. If someone picks on her because of her taste in music, what she wears or how she cuts her hair she needs to tell them to fuck off. She's beautiful just the way she is and the only reason she should ever change is if it's for herself. We had some good laughs, the cat tried to eat my flowers and the dog thinks the couch pillows are her bed regardless of the actual dog bed she possesses. This is probably the cause of my illness, the stress is really insane. I've been going through pinterest a lot (this is where I plug my new pinterest page for my blog ;)). So during social media scoping I've come to realize that people legit will make look like life is absolutely amazing to save face. You know what I want? Honesty. My life isn't all shits and giggles. Life sucks sometimes, bills don't always get paid on time, someone throws up all over the kitchen, the dog is eating the cats poop. It's not fantastic all the time. My husband and I argue and that's okay, it's healthy. Although plotting murder is not healthy LOL we do argue, and we work through things. Today as a matter of fact was not a good day for us, but that's okay. Everybody is entitled to have a bad day, even married couples. We have  A LOT happening and the enemy is hard at our family trying to tear us apart. I just want other step parents to realize that it's difficult and the struggle is real. Being married is hard enough, the divorce rates for second marriages are even higher. They hover around 70 percent, that' high! So you have to work at it, and realize that you don't have to prove how perfect you are. I can tell you right now me and ashley don't have pants on! We have our night gowns on and were totally fine with that. My hair is greasy and I ordered pizza for dinner. I hate spongebob and it's been on repeat on my TV for most of the day.  We didn't have organic green beans for lunch, we had easy mac that cost me $1 at walmart. My life is far from perfect and as much as I try to offer my children the best life they can have, there's only so much that can be provided. When the girls moms ask for things such as school supplies or books for home schooling we do our best to participate and help with that on top of child support. We also provide everything at our home for the kids when they're here. The point is, don't care about who's watching. Take off your makeup, pour your glass of wine and don't feel like your life has to be photoshopped all the time. It's totally fine if you haven't showered all weekend but your kids got to play in their sandbox for hours and your dog didn't eat the squirrel in the yard. Score! I hope you guys enjoy your Sunday and realize that what other people think  DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER. Love your kids, love your husband, love your life. God will always provide and protect you, just trust!


Kristen

Confidence in my girls

Hey! we made it through the week! Today is especially rough for me since yesterday was puppy day! I took the day off to get Grace all squared away with her shots and getting her groomed. I deep cleaned the house a bit and got a little more organized. It was a nice lazy day just hangin around and catching up on stuff that had been neglected! So today is a little harder for me ;) Anyway so today I'm thinking about how I have to pick up Brianna after work and Ashley comes tomorrow and how I've accumulated all of these little girls! Poor Mike, even the cat and dog are girls! So I'm thinking about growing up and how my mother instilled confidence in me. She always told me I could do and be whatever it is I wanted to. I was never given a sense that I couldn't do something just because I owned a vagina. And I did! If I wanted to play baseball with the boys, I did! And I did it well! I could always focus on what I wanted and how to accomplish it because my parents were my biggest fans. Even my dad at cheerleading competitions shaking the water bottle noise maker with Burlington Townships colors all in it :) It was a really supportive time growing up for me and I really want to give my girls that also. Today's blog is dedicated to how to instill confidence in our girls! I hope you enjoy :)


Identify positive female roles
So Hillary Clinton, probably not a positive female role. The girls have always enjoyed Taylor Swift and I think she's a fantastic role model. She's always kept life kosher and been age appropriate. She's aware she has a younger audience at times and really encourages young girls to be who they want. Who needs a man? Condoleezza Rice is also someone I've always admired. She's a strong female politician and doesn't take crap from anyone. I want my daughters to know that nothing can hold them back, even in a male dominated world.

Encourage Independence
Even from a young age when we were at birthday parties my mom shoved me into the party to make friends. I wasn't allowed to hang out with her and the grownups. Why? BECAUSE I WAS FOUR. I needed to go make friends, and doing that gave me the confidence I still have today. At 28 years old I can go ANYWHERE and make friends even if I don't know a soul in the room. I want my girls to know they can do anything, like change a tire or their oil. I know how to do it, I just choose not to! I want them to know they should be able to take care of themselves in a relationship. I spent six years with someone and then one day I walked away and I had a sense of independence to take care of myself. Because I was raised to know how to take care of myself, emotionally and financially. 

Compliment Conscientiously
I think comments are a big thing for kids, in the right context. Ever since the girls were little I've always told them things like "you're so pretty" but then realizing being pretty isn't everything. Me being pretty gets me a lot in life but my outgoing personality and kind nature gets me further. Now I say things to them like "Do you know how smart you are?". If they're playing a game or building something and they get frustrated, I encourage them and let them know they CAN do it, just concentrate on it. When they finally finish the project they're so proud of themselves because THEY did it with nobody elses help!

Challenge them physically and mentally
I enrolled Ashley into gymnastics at a really young age because I want the kids to know they're always physically capable of doing things. There's a lot of male dominant sports and I never want my girls to think they can't do something because they're a girl. Ashley would get frustrated if her front roll wasn't perfect or she didn't stick her land just right but eventually after practice she did it! She would be so insanely proud of herself. I try to also challenge them mentally with lots of educational activities. When we go on nature walks I give them age appropriate "hunts" to complete. Mikes really good with identifying different plants and trees and always incorporates that into our walks. This keeps the girls minds working and when we quiz them on stuff it gives them confidence to know they're learning and are very bright!

Give her a voice
Brianna's had a voice since the day she was born and continues it this day. She's very outspoken and opinionated. She gets that from her father! haha. Ashley was really quiet for most of her life but she'll be four this December and I think I've given her enough confidence to know she's allowed to speak up (this one may have bit me in the butt). Now she chooses her own activities, pajamas, toothpaste, bath toys. I give her these options and I always ask how she's feeling, what's she thinking, what is she doing. She'll go into her bedroom and grab a book and just read to herself. I want the girls to know their opinions matter and they do have a voice and can speak up when they feel something is wrong. We've always given Brianna the choice of what she wants to do and recently she made a choice about one of her sisters. We supported her choice as all four of her parents because she spoke up with her concerns. We listened and we allowed her to make her own decision. 

Give them responsibility
SO I've been told I'm a horrible horrible woman for giving my children chores. (gasp!) When the girls are with us they're expected to clean up after themselves, that's a given. I'm not your maid, I'm your mother. Ashley makes her bed the best she can, she puts her clothes away, she cleans up her room. The girls help me feed the animals in the morning and at night. It gives them a sense of being needed and wanted. It gives them a sense of accomplishment when they're done and they've completed a task. Ashley again is almost four and will gain more chores as she gets older. We don't do allowances but we give them praise and they gain their own sense of accomplishment with that. Giving them these chores gives them confidence.

There's a huge list of things that you can do to encourage your daughters to be healthy, independent women. These are just a few that I've used in my daily rides with the kids that seem to be helping them. I hope these help you encourage your daughters to be independent, wonderful women! Everyone have an AWESOME weekend!


Kristen

Good Gracious Christmas!

I know I'm not the only mama out there thinking about Christmas already! July 25th marked five months until the big day! I've always been a really ridiculous Christmas person. Like I rock out to Christmas songs, we go to tree farms and get our trees, we decorate the tree with Christmas music, the house gets decorated. Like ... it's a big overboard. I grew up in a family where Christmas was the biggest deal of the year. My mom and grandma are HUGE Christmas fans. Christmas was always such a special day for us, the holidays were always such a miraculous thing. We went to Christmas Eve service at church, when we got home we got to open ONE present :) We do the same thing with the girls when we have them for Christmas Eve. I try to make the entire Christmas season a really magical thing for them, including sprinkling the reindeer dust on the front yard! We go take pictures with Santa, we dress up the dog, the whole bit. Now that Ashley's a bit older I'll be doing a cookie decorating day with the girls (Kinda of stoked about it I can't lie). I'm just really excited that were getting to the holiday season :) So I did some Christmas shopping for the kids yesterday and were always on a tighter budget. I try to make it a big thing for the girls so layaway is my THING. So here's some tips on how to be a savvy shopper for Christmas!


1. Start Early!!!!!!
Seriously. I have a crazy amount of people to buy for. I usually start making lists in June and by July I'm in full purchase mode. Between the kids, Mike, Family, it gets expensive. If you start early enough you can buy a few things away and just put them in a "Christmas box" so you don't lose them or forget where you hid them (which is how I still have Lincoln logs in my closet). Then at Christmas you have a crazy good amount of gifts for everyone and you kept on budget!

2. Layaway like cray
So layaway can be iffy so you have to kind of figure out where to get the best deals. I'm almost always using Kmart layaway, that's how we got Ashley her big power wheels convertible last year. Kmart is great, you can shop online and start your layaway that way. The only problem with Kmart is if they don't sell it directly you can't usually put it on layaway. Which is a super big pain in the butt. I just put a crap load of stuff on there for the kids yesterday and just paid for the others separate. It's convenient to shop online but again make sure Kmart sells it. Toys R Us also does layaway but you have to purchase in store. You also have to put 10 percent down of the purchase but sometimes it's better that way. They also have 90 day layaway so you have a good amount of time to pay on things!

3. Make a list
Seriously, I'm the QUEEN of lists. With all the kids and family I have to write down what I'm getting everyone and put a check mark when it's purchased (In Christmas colors OBVIOUSLY). I had the girls lists started in June and I add and subtract as I go. Usually add ;) then I add the other family members. Keeping track of what you purchased keeps you from going over your budget that you've made and keeps your living room from looking like the toy store on Christmas day :) Side note: I also make a list for distribution of my Christmas Cards so I know how many to buy, saves you money from buying too many!

4. Try to avoid credit purchases
Credit is so easy to use and you can get everything you need instantly. I'm probably still paying for Christmas's on my credit cards I swear. If you can stash money away during the year that's your best bet. My kids were all born at different times of the year so I have to try and stash when I'm not planning birthday parties LOL! or purchasing birthday presents! Ashley's a Christmas eve baby so we try to separate those, again just avoid the credit. Try to pay cash so you don't have the shock after the holidays of those payments!

5. Really just enjoy shopping!
Before I took on the step mom role I had a dog, a cat and a boyfriend to buy for. It was super easy! I was so into what I was going to get and that was awesome. Now that I'm a mom I'm so less concerned with what I'm getting and I just want to drink my coffee and watch my kids open their presents! Being a kid on Christmas is such an awesome feeling and I never knew why my mom never cared about opening her presents until the last few years. The looks on their faces is completely priceless and melts your heart. Enjoy shopping for those kids and take in all the Christmas cheer while you can!


I hope some of this helps! It's almost August so I'll be finishing up my Christmas shopping and prepping for the holidays! If you have any suggestions or advice on layaway let me know! Happy Christmas in July!

Kristen

When you start to second guess

Hey good morning! I'm sure everyone is LOVING this rainy day! I feel like it should be Friday and not Tuesday :( And I have off work on Thursday to take the dog to get her rabies shot and get groomed so it'll be even worse Friday! The weekend outlook looks pretty good though! I'm thinking maybe some pool time with the girls and maybe the water carnival in Browns Mills with the in laws. Make it a pretty relaxed weekend. Speaking of relaxing I was in sort of a funk this morning. Maybe because of the rain and I'm just feeling a bit exhausted and worn out. But I wanted to touch on the subject of really just being blessed this morning. As I woke up this morning from my nice warm bed and got ready in my house to go to work I had to really just feel the grace of God on me. I remember the days I prayed for some of the things I have now. I think a lot of things are taken for granted and I always come back to the book of Job. That dude had it HARD. Satan really gave him a run for his money but he never stopped praising God. That's incredible to me. I feel like I just assume my life is supposed to have all of these good things in it and I don't really sit back and realize how blessed I really am. I have these two great kids that come hang out every weekend and we've formed such a tight bond that I feel blessed I was able to be a part of their lives. Watch them grow and play into beautiful kids. I'm blessed enough to have a working vehicle that gets me to and from my job. The job that pays for my health insurance, because some people don't have health insurance or a 401K. I'm blessed enough to be able to put money away for a retirement, while working a job I really love with women that are absolutely incredible. I have family that backs me up and supports me no matter what the situation is, and the loyalty is astounding. Things come and go and situations arise that really cause a lot of issues but I still have my family. A family that loves me and supports me and two kids that love me. Being a step parent brings so many complications and forming that bond with kids you didn't give birth to is difficult. Where do you discipline? Do you discipline? Do you enforce rules at your house? It's such a fine line when you're not a biological parent but I've been blessed with two other women who try to work with me on consistency. It's hard running numerous house holds and trying to make everything mesh together. It's hard when you feel the enemy encroaching on your space and trying to pull your life and family apart. These are my kids, my husband, my sister wife (LOL), my fellow step parent. I'm blessed I was able to form a relationship with Corey and be able to talk as step parents and have that outside view on things. I'm blessed to not be alone in this journey and to be able to be the best step parent I can be. Parents and Step parents alike fall all the time, they make mistakes, they flip out. It happens, it's totally normal. But our family is unique, we have a whole village of people for this kids and to support each other. With prayer, with love, with togetherness. I'm able to provide for my kids and love them and make them feel comfortable in any house they're in. Nobody has that stress of hostility. I just wanted to bring to your attention this rainy morning that you ARE blessed. Every single day, you're just taking it for granted. What are you thankful for in your life? Write it in your prayer journal, write it on a post it and stick it to your wall. Give yourself a daily reminder and thank God for what you have in your life. Praise him for what opportunities he's provided you with. I have a husband that loves me every single day, that supports me in everything that I do (and he's pretty good lookin!) I have a kid who facetimes her friends and says "hey look there's my step mom!" a kid who's proud to have me in her corner. Another kid who wants to take pictures WITH me all the time just so she can have those memories with me. Who couldn't feel blessed thinking about that? Go about your day and write down every time you feel blessed, see what you come up with :) Have a super BLESSED day guys and always remember to just be HAPPY!


Kristen

When you really hate his ex

hey! So this was an interesting question I received the other day in my email. Life has been crazy and so much information has come flooding into our lives I really just needed to decompress and relax before I even checked my emails so I apologize! The question is "What do you do when you really really hate his ex?". So I've compiled a few pieces of advise that you may or may not take. I've had my ups and downs as a stepmom and have been at the point where you are. TRUST ME. My sister in law is also a fellow step mom (yay team step mom!) but she's also a mother. She has been a light sometimes that snaps me back into reality when I'm thinking of rain instead of sunshine. So here we go!


1. Always put the child first.
You and your husband may be the only ones doing this and it may suck depending on how old the child is. They may be too young to really comprehend that you're the ones really loving that child and thinking about it's well being without the spite. And that's going to sting and I'm sorry. Your step child can NEVER know how you really feel about that other parent. And that's something every parent and step parent is going to struggle with, and that's okay. But really make an effort even when that child is 25. Even when that parent is lying about you and saying super hurtful things. Always take the high road because eventually that's going to come back as good karma. Anything that mother says about you, you can quickly turn around when you bond with that child. Oh you're the evil horrible crazy step mom? When you're with her that will honestly prove the complete opposite. Just hang in there mama!

2. Get the ex out of your home and your head.
The worst place this woman could live is in your head. That's taken me three years almost four to figure out. Seriously, get her out of your head. That's where she wants to be. making you think he's cheating on you, or that you really are crazy. Make your home a safe place, don't be around for the phone calls or text messages. Don't go to every pick up or drop off, take that time for you to just be you and be in your home. Don't bitch about her to your husband because it isn't going to do anything but drain you and she wants to know she's a topic of conversation in your home. Don't let it be. Give your time to better things, like awesome sex with your husband ;)

3. Ask for help.
Whether this is joining a support group (like mine!), going to counseling or simply asking your husband to not make any ex a topic of conversation in your house. Obviously you need to have financial conversations but anything other than that, end it. Find positive step mother role models out there that you can convene with and really let your emotions out with. Other step parents will definitely understand and then you feel like you have the support you're looking for without bringing it into your home constantly.

4. Hope for better but accept today's truth.
Man ... this is a hard one. Some step mothers and mothers are able to form a strong bond. Michael was divorced YEARS ago, his ex wife is remarried and obviously so is he. Brianna is going to be 12 in September and once we got to know each other things really panned out. We became closer as parents and both really agreed on the fact that were too damn old for the drama. Our 12 year old gives us enough of that. We even danced at a friends wedding all night long together while our husbands commiserated! Don't try to force a relationship with a high conflict ex, it won't end well and you'll be disappointed. I've tried to form a relationship that way and it blew up in my face. Relationships do evolve and things change, so just keep it in the back of your mind that today it's not going to work, but things may change in the future.

5. Live your life
This will be the one thing you can focus on completely and if she is a crazy ex, this will kill her. After all of our drama the number one piece of advice I got was "pick your family up and keep moving forward". We still had two beautiful little girls that needed us to be there for our family. So that's what we did, we moved on. We raise our girls together and take family pictures and vacations. We do our day trips as if nothing ever happened. Because the reality is right NOW nothing is going to change, and until it does you need to keep your family STRONG. You are the core of that family and you need to be strong for them. Take those pictures, have those vacations and keep moving on. Keep growing with your husband and making babies and doing whatever makes you happy. Don't let the drama bring you down :)

At the end of the day you have to write your own story, and I hope this advice helps you at least a little bit and anyone else struggling as a step parent. It's HARD and it's going to SUCK. Write your story, and make it an awesome one :)


Kristen